The last two days have been a bit of a wash out (literally! Lots of rain). C has a sore throat & has been pretty feverish at night (I kicked S out last night so she could sleep with me, she was burning up) & I am not really functioning due to sickness. We made it out to the last swimming of term, it was just a play session really but C was knackered afterwards (we have the class we wanted for next term which I’m pleased about) and I took her to McD’s for lunch (couldn’t face cooking even toast), but apart from that we stayed in & C mainly watched Madeline.

Today I had to drag her out of bed (at 9:30 ) to get up to the vets (very HE-ey, nightie, wellies & her coat), when we got back she went straight to bed. C has perked up enough to do some phonics & handwriting & play Shrek on the Xbox this afternoon, but I think more calpol & another early night is in order.

I’m feeling quite depressed, feeling scared all the time is tiring. I haven’t broken out the doppler yet (go me!), I have to maintain some kind of distance (hahahahahaha, I am allowed to kid myelf right?). Last time things started getting bad about now. I’m having uber weird dreams. 17 days until the next scan now humpf. I feel awful. Fuck.

Tomorrow we should be ice skating, but will she how it goes. I must take my library books back

I haven’t been very good at keeping up with this (limited energy, sickness, blah, blah); but things are going well

Swimming ~ she’s doing fabulously! Has been put up to Level 2 & has her 5 meter swimming thing-y. She can swim at least 10 meters backstroke without a float & is getting there on her front. Is generally very confident in the water, as with most things she’s at the front of the line & the first to volunteer to try things.

Dancing ~ again she’s doing really well; she’s auditioning for another role on the 29th of April, tbh I was hoping that she wouldn’t be selected for this one, it is such a lot of work for me. She’s moving to the next level in ballet & tap after Easter & is also continuing with the acrobatic dance (she’s desperate to have a go at gymnastics (been watching the Commonwealth games) but can’t start until she’s 6).

ERAPA ~ definitely a favourite, & I like it too, 4 hours of uninterrupted playtime & socialising for £3! She love the soft play there but spends most of her time outside (in the cold!), running around like a maniac & playing games like Narnia & London Bombing! She’s made friends with a few of the older children which is nice to see.

Warehouse ~ she continues to enjoy, she doesn’t like rugby anymore apparently but likes the other games. Glyn is excellent with all of them, I may book her in to do a football skills week with him in May half term.

Jelly Legs ~ she enjoys even more now that Ernest & Buttercup come - I am the mean nagging mother that makes her finish a project before she starts the next one! She’s doing lots of drawing & painting again.

Ice skating ~ unfortunately her teacher has been away for a couple of weeks & so she’s missed some lessons. I has knocked her confidence slightly, but I’m sure she’ll persist and perfect her jumps (!!!!!).

Girls’ Brigade ~ she has her uniform! Which she loves, what is it with HE kids & uniforms? As well as doing loads of crafts & games she’s learnt some very odd songs (Jesus is wicked!), she absolutely loves it.

Other stuff ~ been spending loads of time with my mum & Lily, Dom Natalie’s kids & with Violet et al, we very rarely have much time at home during the week, so I’m looking forward to everything claming down a bit for the Easter break. She’s nearly finished Shrek 2 on the Xbox! Has been doing loads of writing (I have a feeling this will be how she learns to read) & is very interested in science stuff (she wants me to do with her what I do when I tutor). On Thursday afternoon she did about 20 pages of a CGP KS1 science workbook - totally basic but she knew all of it already & did the vast majority of the writing. She’s pretty independent now - can get dresses, make her bed, get breakfast & drinks, almost cracked wiping bottom, does little jobs for me (feeding the cats etc). She seems very grown up

I’ve fallen in love & that makes it so much worse. To lose a pregnancy before the scans is sad, it’s a loss of the future that wanted; losing it after you’ve seen that tiny little being, all the hope that comes with the flashing pixels of a heartbeat is really hard. I feel like saying another later loss like Estella or the 13 week one would kill me, but of course it won’t, I’ll manage, we all will. But it will bring us to the point of seriously thinking about calling it quits. I don’t want to be there again, but more than that I love this little fetus/baby and I really want it to make it.

So here is Number Seven:

At 6 weeks 6 days ~ meauring perfectly, single interuterine pregnancy. Gestation & yolk sacs where beautiful and round, no dilation of the yolk sac, best bit - heartbeat was visible even with a TA scan, the dildocam gave this beautiful picture:

I have some tiny clots, one is bigger & may be a collapsed second sac the others are probably from the heparin, the doctor swore to me that every patient she has on heparin as them & they are not related to the developing placenta which looks fine so far.

And at 9 weeks - the picture is shite, but the growth was perfect, baby is now a couple of days ahead (sac is 3 days ahead, yolk sac is absorbed) the placenta looks great, no areas of bleeding at all. Heart rate was 178. I love the FMC, they have been fab.

The FBCs have been fine, platelets are behaving & I’m continue with the meds - progesterone, prednisolone, clexane, aspirin & metformin - until next scan then reasses. I have a NHS appointment with my mc consultant then the next scan (won’t be until 12 weeks (arrgghhh) unless I have bleeding (arrggghhhh)) and then Mr T again, I’m not thinking about booking yet. I’m almost too scared to breath & keep begging that little heart to keep going.

First, the story of Wu Mei. This is a lovely book - beautiful illustrations, a book about strong girls it makes a wonderful change from the damsel-in-distress-Disney-princess crap that seems to be everywhere at the moment ‘Beautiful Warrior: Legend of the Nun’s Kung Fu’. Emily Arnold McCully is a Caldecott Medal Winner and wrote ‘Mirette on the High Wire’, a FIAR book.

Then Shirley Hughes’ retelling of Cinderella, ‘Ella’s Big Change‘, much more satisfying than the traditional tale & again great illustrations.

Pitiful attempt at distraction? Scared? Very scared? Wallowing? Let’s see …

1. blighted ovum

2. no heart beat

3. small for dates

4. slow heart beat

5. hematomas

6. everything is okay

Of course I forgot ectopic - that’s probably unlikely though?

Yup, scared.

C had a great weekend - lots of play & gardening - she got back at about 5pm, and promptly took herself off to bed. She woke up for McDonalds at about 8 then slept until the morning!

Yesterday we had a really busy day - we made it to Jelly Legs (we bought donuts on the way & fed the pigeons ). S & Ernest were there too which C enjoyed - she made a baby’s rocking cradle and started a paper bag pet (Bertie the Disco Cat!). I had to sort out my clexane prescription which took ages, so we had a mooch around the shops (The Bear factory!) then headed off to the library. C picked a pile of books & I got a couple (too sick to read at the moment), then we headed off home (took ages).

We had to pop into the vets (C picked up some pet care leaflets that we’ve been reading) before rushing off to swimming. I got told off for not having her bloody book thing so they couldn’t put her up to Level 2 (why it can’t be computerised is beyond me). C was exhausted & we had an early night.

Today it is pouring with rain, definitely a day to stay in. C has discovered online jigsaws and has been doing loads of those, I’m very impressed they aren’t easy kids’ ones. We’re reading a Shirley Hughes retelling of Cinderella & watching Shrek 2.

Getting scared.

… another week gone, this is going to be a real test of my memory.

Yesterday - Shrek 2 on the Xbox, read some Bob Books, C wrote out a list of words (from memory) that she can read & then a list of people she wants to invite to her birthday panto! We went to ERAPA in the afternoon, plenty of socialisation & PE there. In the evening it was Girls’ Brigade, she did a musical puppet show, made models and ‘played games’.

Thursday - no Warehouse this week, we stayed in, it was really cold & snowing again, C played outside and made another snowman. We read some books & lots of Scooby Doo magazines , watched Narnia & generally pootled around.

Wednesday - in the morning we had to go into London for more blood tests, the afternoon was ice skating. C & Ernest decided to join in the lesson this week - C did so well I was very impressed - skating backwards, turning, weaving etc she even did some jumps She had a great skate for a couple of hours then headed back to A’s house. We had major snow in the afternoon & the children played outside with snow balls & snow men for ages. They had hot chocolate & baked spuds for dinner & we went home at about 7:30.

Tuesday - I cant remember (oops!) - C has been reading a lot and been playing her new maths game I Love Maths (a Dorling Kindersley one) it is aged 7-11 and she’s been really enjoying it. Read The Tiger Who Came To Tea which C really enjoyed.

Monday - we were both ill - we missed swimming because we took a long nap in the afternoon (oh & it was my birthday!) C played with her jigsaw puzzles (she’s really enjoying them all again), we read The Worst Witch & listened to the Hobbit & Phoenix & the Carpet.

Sunday - C & Simon went ice skating as usual, she is improving so quickly it is great to see. She played with her dolls & jigsaw puzzles most of the afternoon.

Saturday - after a late night on Friday we had to get up early to head into London. C & Simon went to Valerie’s for breakfast, spotted famous people in Marylebone High St & then went for a scoot around Reagent’s Park while I waited for my blood tests.

This weekend - C has ballet this morning then she’s off to my mum’s for a sleep over, I’m sure they’ll do something exciting

Did you see the Reagent’s Park mention there? I know I said I wouldn’t but there are times when the torture is worth it. I went back to the ARGC (mixed feelings anyone) I had no idea how I’d feel going in - last time we were there I thought I was going to puke - but I nearly cried with relief; there isn’t much to do if this one is going down the shitter but there NHS won’t do anything at least Mr T will try. Anyway, the numbers

22dpo - 3157
26dpo (5 weeks 5 days p******t) - 12,493

That is good. Progesterone went down a bit to 80 something so I’ve swapped from prometrium to cyclogest (groan), I tried to get gestone instead but Mr T thinks it is overkill, at the retest it was up a bit but I’d still feel happier on gestone (I have major progesterone isues).

Doubling time is back to great which is really, really good & the consensus (as far as anyone can guess) is that it isn’t a failing pregnancy but could easily have been the loss of a twin that caused the dip. Mr T wanted to scan me now but I perfer the FMC so I’ve cancelled the NHS one & am going in on the 9th which will be 6 weeks 6 days. It is so close to seven weeks that if there isn’t a hb I can confidently say all is lost & I won’t go through the multiple scans.