Easter, illness & socialising have been pretty prominent recently, tbh we’re struggling to get back into any sort of routine. There’s still quite a lot of family visiting going on & that disrupts everything.

Swimming lessons started back on Monday ~ C was pleased to be back, but I’m not 100% happy with the class, hopefully there will be some dropouts that put it back to a manageable size. I must make more of an effort to see that C goes swimming between lessons as well - I think maybe on Sunday mornings instead of ice-skating.

Dancing also restarted, we have a costume fitting this week & the audition the week after. I make a totally crap pushy stage mother, the whole thing is way OTT.

The rest of our HE stuff starts his week & next so we will be pretty busy again.

Apart from that C’s been watching The Box of Delights which she adores, we’re still reading HP, dong some writing & general work book stuff, she’s been doing some fraction stuff on the computer. I honestly can’t remember what else.

Been a week since the last scan (no picture, sorry) - would you believe that we’re still in the game?! It? He? She? Baby is there & alive (’alive & kicking’ as the sonographer said seconds after starting the scan), it wouldn’t keep still. Measuring well over a week ahead, I’ve fudged my dates to get the inevtiable section a week ealier (I AM NOT TEMPTING FATE! DO YOU HEAR ME?????). I also had a nuchal done at the FMC, DS risk is 1 in 8127, Claudie was 1 in 16. T13 and T18 are less than 1 in 16000 - I went for the screening because of those, I wouldn’t have had a CVS for increased DS risk alone. Doppler is out in force & the only thing keeping me sane.

Its been really hard to write about - the NHS scan was in the same room & with the same sonographer that we had when Estella died, I could have asked to be moved but felt that I needed to suffer otherwise I’d be forgetting about her. I was on my own (needed to sffer a bit more) and came very close to completely losing it the whole way through. I feel drained even thinking about it.

We had our first appointment with the OB, I saw her last time & she agreed that my obstetric history is ‘grim’, I needed to hear that. I need to know that they take my history very seriously & that they know how precarious we feel this pregnancy is. And fucking hell precious baby syndrome should come into play; we have been through far to much & are nearing end of our physical, emotional and financial (hahaha way past the end there) resources. Waiting in the clinic was awful.

She wants me to stay on the clexane & aspirin to the end, but suggested I think about a VBAC (nofuckingway) - I had a massive PPH last time & the anticoagulants just increase my risk further. I want to be in theatre with consultant OB & anaesthetist and lots of blood standing by. I don’t want narcotic pain relief (ABO incompatibility means baby will be impaired as it is), won’t be induced and if I have a planned section I can time stopping the anticoagulants at the safest time. Can’t help but feel that I’m getting ahead of myself. Our aims are alive full term baby, getting me through the pregnancy sanity intact & avoiding all the postnatal problems I had with C. She thinks I have a 30-50% chance (not a very helpful statistic really) of another PROM (having had two already my risk is quite elevated).

She also scanned me & baby is growing, I’m gald Simon got to see it. Next scan is May 5th.

A few IRL people know and that feels scary, it’s inevitable it will get around & I feel so exposed & vulnerable as it is.

… another 2 weeks … no chance of remembering really.

Lots of work booky type work (science, phonics, handwriting) & Study Dog. C has been drawing away & has got very good at the games on S’s phone

Lots of socialising.

Computer games.

Reading Harry Potter (she is really enjoying it).

Gardening (thanks Ady!).

Bloody library was shut today too.

Still feeling cruddy.

C is off with my mum for most of the week next week to visit her great Grandma - I’ll be clearing & reorganisng her room (& the loft).

Appointment today was actually helpful BW calculated that my obstetric history puts me in a rarified group of about 1 in 800,000 women - nice to be special I don’t think. Both recurrent loss panels that I’ve had done in this pregnancy have come back normal, she wants me to come off everything except aspirin which she recommended I increase to 150mg/day. Not likely I’ve agreed to stop the metformin, progesterone & steroids IF the next scan is okay. I will increase the aspirin - she says it helps with the second phase of placental infiltration that comes at the end of the second tri (hahahahaha) but I’m staying on clexane. I’m convinced the dex & pred have been important - I haven’t had IVIg but my NKs are low (<9% and all the CDs are great), I think the flares last time were due to my astronomical oestradiol levels & maybe I just do better on steroids than IVIg.

She agrees the high risk OB is probably the way to go and if I make it through the next scan the issues to discuss are clefting (from the steroids), placental insufficiency & IUGR, pre eclampsia and my cervix & PROM. Not much to worry about really.

Life is … good

What have we been doing? Lots I think … mostly from the comfort of my bed though

Books, goes without saying I didn’t manage to get my library books back in time … I will do better. C’s choices this week were

When Jessie Came Across the Sea (yes I cried when I read it)

Exodus - she loves all things Egyptian & a bit of OT fire & brimstone is always entertaining.

Don’t Let Go - she liked the illustrations.

Into the forest

It was Papa’s birthday yesterday so we spent the day with them which was lovely. C & L spent most of the afternoon (between showers) in the garden climbing trees, filling the bird feeders & checking the nest boxes. Next weekend there’ll be a big party at D&N’s house which we’re already getting excited about.

C asked my to buy her some work books a couple of weeks ago -I got her KS1 CGP Science & the Letts Monster KS1 Handwriting, Science and Spelling & Phonics - she loves them! I think we’ve found how she’s going to learn to read, by learning to write, she’s ploughing through the phonics & her handwriting is beautiful. 99% of the science is stuff she already knew but she’s getting lots of writing practice & is so proud of her work.

Appointments - gynae on 15th & scan (NHS sob) on the 19th. I’m going to the scan on my own, crazy right? Oh & I’ve booked … with my mum! Independent midwifery care for nowt! Plan is that I won’t see the GP but have midwife/ANC appointments every other week, increasing to weekly in the third trimester ***gasp**. Anyone want to guess about the mixed feelings that come when an habitual aborter (snappy right?) starts spreading pergnancy news. Or how painful it is do even dare to think about making it to the thirdfuckingtrimester? Or how I had to decide whether to go with the high risk OB or the birth trauma one? (went with high risk with mixed feelings).