Easter, illness & socialising have been pretty prominent recently, tbh we’re struggling to get back into any sort of routine. There’s still quite a lot of family visiting going on & that disrupts everything.

Swimming lessons started back on Monday ~ C was pleased to be back, but I’m not 100% happy with the class, hopefully there will be some dropouts that put it back to a manageable size. I must make more of an effort to see that C goes swimming between lessons as well - I think maybe on Sunday mornings instead of ice-skating.

Dancing also restarted, we have a costume fitting this week & the audition the week after. I make a totally crap pushy stage mother, the whole thing is way OTT.

The rest of our HE stuff starts his week & next so we will be pretty busy again.

Apart from that C’s been watching The Box of Delights which she adores, we’re still reading HP, dong some writing & general work book stuff, she’s been doing some fraction stuff on the computer. I honestly can’t remember what else.

Been a week since the last scan (no picture, sorry) - would you believe that we’re still in the game?! It? He? She? Baby is there & alive (’alive & kicking’ as the sonographer said seconds after starting the scan), it wouldn’t keep still. Measuring well over a week ahead, I’ve fudged my dates to get the inevtiable section a week ealier (I AM NOT TEMPTING FATE! DO YOU HEAR ME?????). I also had a nuchal done at the FMC, DS risk is 1 in 8127, Claudie was 1 in 16. T13 and T18 are less than 1 in 16000 - I went for the screening because of those, I wouldn’t have had a CVS for increased DS risk alone. Doppler is out in force & the only thing keeping me sane.

Its been really hard to write about - the NHS scan was in the same room & with the same sonographer that we had when Estella died, I could have asked to be moved but felt that I needed to suffer otherwise I’d be forgetting about her. I was on my own (needed to sffer a bit more) and came very close to completely losing it the whole way through. I feel drained even thinking about it.

We had our first appointment with the OB, I saw her last time & she agreed that my obstetric history is ‘grim’, I needed to hear that. I need to know that they take my history very seriously & that they know how precarious we feel this pregnancy is. And fucking hell precious baby syndrome should come into play; we have been through far to much & are nearing end of our physical, emotional and financial (hahaha way past the end there) resources. Waiting in the clinic was awful.

She wants me to stay on the clexane & aspirin to the end, but suggested I think about a VBAC (nofuckingway) - I had a massive PPH last time & the anticoagulants just increase my risk further. I want to be in theatre with consultant OB & anaesthetist and lots of blood standing by. I don’t want narcotic pain relief (ABO incompatibility means baby will be impaired as it is), won’t be induced and if I have a planned section I can time stopping the anticoagulants at the safest time. Can’t help but feel that I’m getting ahead of myself. Our aims are alive full term baby, getting me through the pregnancy sanity intact & avoiding all the postnatal problems I had with C. She thinks I have a 30-50% chance (not a very helpful statistic really) of another PROM (having had two already my risk is quite elevated).

She also scanned me & baby is growing, I’m gald Simon got to see it. Next scan is May 5th.

A few IRL people know and that feels scary, it’s inevitable it will get around & I feel so exposed & vulnerable as it is.