It is a bit premature but August is nearly over September is coming & I’m looking forward to things getting back to normal. We’ve been busy this month, we’re all tired. Claudia has been fairly neglected we’ve had lots of family things going on but very little home-ed, we had a couple of sports days booked but I cancelled them. C wasn’t really bothered and I feel so incredibly self conscious about being pregnant I’ve retreated to a semi hermit existence. I’m sure the losses haven’t helped but I’ve never felt that pregnancy offers any special status & I hate the attention (we went to get some car seats fitted yesterday & it was excruciating - just fit the seat, you really don’t need my life history). It doesn’t help that I am consumed by all things pregnancy (terror, lists of things to do, paediatricians, intrusive thoughts ‘probably dead this time ‘, appointments, major anxiety about money (pouring out at the moment as we scramble to get the house together)) but am incapable of talking about any of it = irritable & preoccupied. We haven’t got anywhere to put baby stuff, or the baby for that matter. My HB is hovering around 10, despite iron supplements. I’m unutterably tired, headachey & short of breath, I ache all over & have carpal tunnel syndrome which makes my right hand numb. Apart from that it is much easier than C’s pregnancy. Seven weeks to go, another scan on Friday (number eight or nine).

Newgale - was wonderful, it was the closet to a relaxing holiday that I’ve had as an adult! I read a book, sat on the beach and listened to the rain. Everyone else has blogged it, so I won’t bother.

The house - is really coming on. The kitchen is functional and I love it! We need doors, plinths, taps (when Si gets paid), wall tiles & a bit of painting but it is mostly cosmetic. We also have to build in all the white goods and get some more cupboards built and on the wall - minor stuff . Downstairs is now plastered (apart from a very small bit around the wood burner which is really annoying, its only an hour of work but we need to get the plasterer back for it) - all the furniture is piled up in the sitting room while we decorate the dining room. It looks very nice - Cooking Apple Green & Lime White for anyone who knows the Farrow & Ball catalogue - we’ve got most of the carpentry done as well, S just needs to finish off some cupboards (storage, storage, storage). There’s a list a mile long of things still to do but I’m focusing on the positive.

Until the CTS struck I was being very productive - quilted bibs (I got some lovely aeroplane fabric from eBay), lots of knitting (including some wool nappy wraps which I adore), various other nappy bits & a blanket.

Hand hurts - more later.

so much better with pictures

Have just got C into bed, I am *knackered* and in dire need of cheap entertainment.

We went around to Alison’s mid morning; the crazy children played in the pool we drank tea, made loads of sandwiches, talked a bit of home ed & a lot of the world. It rained. I met my Mum for more tea & got the brilliant news that not only had she got the final funding confirmation to finish her degree (health visiting now) my Dad has got a fantastic new job after negotiating terms for what seems like months. A really, really good day.

I’ve had some more interest in tutoring, I’m not taking anything on at the moment, but it is nice to be in demand (and also to know that if we were absolutely desperate I could earn fairly decent money). I’m feeling pretty virtuous after browsing but not buying anything from the Cath Kidston clearance sale.

C & I read for an hour or so & she did some Study Dog while Simon & I did some more painting in the kitchen.

We’ve been up since 5am, I’m starting to flag a bit now.

C has: done the B activity book & read a couple more Bob books, done some Hama beading, a Farmyard Tales sticker book and drawn a picture of a body complete with liver, kidneys & pelvis (she’s interested in the stroy about the 4yo conjoined twins being seperated).

I’ve: done 3 loads of washing and caught up with my email.

Off to A’s later.

It was our eighth anniversary yesterday, we met at the birthday party of a mutual friend on Saturday the eighth of August 1998. On Monday the tenth Simon moved in with me & on Wednesday we decided to get married. It took us nine months to get around to it (we bought a house first) and nine months after that I was pregnant with Claudia. It has been a crazy, crazy time but I love being married to that man.

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Last week was busy as I was up at the hospital on Monday, Wednesday & Friday. I had another scan (they are 4 weekly now, with two weekly appointments & CTGs) and saw the midwives, obstetrician, high risk obstetrician, haematologist & anaesthetist, I have the paediatrician in a couple of weeks. I’ve had the most wonderful care imaginable, I almost can’t believe it is the NHS which is pretty sad. I only see consultants and, without exception, everyone has been aware of my history and has been sensitive to it (well that’s not true I accidentally saw the SHO one time, the poor woman was completely out of her depth) . I cried on Friday when my obstetrician gave my her mobile number in case of emergencies and told me the whole team knew how much was invested in this pregnancy. The ‘precious baby’ thing may piss people off but we all need to know that absolutely everything has been done to keep this one alive. I’m counting down in injections now, only 67 more to go.

It is a bittersweet time, after months of incapacitating anxiety I feel the cloud lifting. I believe that we’ve done everything we can & have a certain amount of peace in that. At the same time I have got away so easily compared to some, I have friends still mired in the deep shit of infertility & losses. Women who are brave because they have to be, who pick themselves up time after time, who deal with almost unimaginable losses and grief with a grace & dignity that just blows me away. The universe isn’t fair and deserving has nothing to do with getting.

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C has been spending a lot of time with our parents, she loves having Lily around and we’ve been to the park & out for lunch & swimming (much more fun now the weather is cooler). She’s still really motivated to learn to read and is chugging through the ‘B’ Bob Books (sometimes easily but often with huge frustration, she’s impatient like me). We’re reading lots of non fiction (Read & Wonder and Usborne Beginners) and that and Brainpop is stimulating questions & discussions. She’s quite interested in maps all of a sudden and has been drawing maps of imaginary places. Her favourite writing subject has changed from Harry Potter to The Rules (e.g. no shoes, bicycles or roller-skates in her bedroom) and pleas for spiritual guidance (Please will you let me go to church) . She’s telling the time pretty reliably now as well, mainly thanks to all the cooking we’ve been doing. Oh and lots of Hama beading & K’Nex.

Last night she had a Girls’ Night In with my mum, Lily & my nieces, card playing, films, popcorn & makeup as far as I can gather! Today we took them all to Beale Park which was very pleasant (they have lemurs which we adore ).

I’ve booked C & Lily into a cookery class in London at the beginning of September - it looks fantastic, ‘Cake of the World’ and she’s startkng Karate around then too (and another bloody medal test - Jazz this time - in late September).

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The kitchen is tantalisingly close to being finished, complete with big butlers sink (no taps yet alas) and a wall full of huge bookcases (potential to unpack boxes ). We finally have a plasterer who is coming for three days next week (on mates rates luckily) and we should get most, if not all, of the remaining plastering done - then we can get a carpet for our bedroom! And the car passed it’s MOT.

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We’re off camping next week too (must try & get C a wetsuit) and have a few other things arranged with friends through September which will hopefully speed the passage of time somewhat. October the 17th can’t come quickly enough.