… was the year of The Baby.

In January I hatched an audacious plan, and in February (Valentine’s day) we realised it had worked and spent the rest of the month obsessing about pee sticks & HCG levels. March brought the first glorious glimpses of a beating heart, lots more drugs and crossed fingers. In April we saw lots of doctors, had more scans and a few scares. May was bittersweet, E’s due date came & went and despite hearing a wonderful heartbeat everyday it was a very scary month for me. June was better, we ‘met’ our son on 6.6.06! A wonderful day for us but a dreadful one for some dear friends. In July we crossed the viability threshold, I worried less about the state of my cervix and more about counting movements but J is very active & Simon feels him moving too. I took the major step of telling Claudia about the baby, she’s delighted but it brings lots more questions about babies dying. August brought more frayed nerves, there’s lots of very bad news from friends but regular scans show J is doing well and I start to feel more secure. Baby stuff starts piling up and we begin to count down the days in September , everyone else is getting excited but I can’t relax, I stop sleeping which is a bummer because it is the only time I worry less. October … the 17th was the most emotional day of my life, I have never been so scared or so happy. Jasper’s birth was simply wonderful. November & December passed in a delicious rush of smiles & cuddles.

Every New Year’s Eve I think about the year to come, what I want to change, what the latest crazy plan is - not this year. If everything were to remain exactly the same I doubt I could be happier.

Getting the annual brag letters by the ream now … haven’t these people ever heard of blogs?

:) Boobs are fine!! I must remember to cancel dr tomorrow.

We’ve been out & everything (bought C some great winter boots from Lidl (£4.99!))! Christmas decorations are up, J is asleep in his cot, C has read me a book (now Xboxing ). Both kids are bathed & gorgeous.

Have made soup for dinner & we’re planning to spend the afternnon baking

(or why I must start wearing makeup)

Puffy/spotty skin … dark rings look like black eyes … unkempt eyebrows … cracked lips … forehead worry lines … vaguely yellow skin tone … blood shot eyes … chopped all my hair off because brushing it is challenging.

Had a dire day today, my mum dashed over on a mercy mission at 3pm after getting me incoherent and sobbing on the phone. I’m seriously doubting the HE (parenting?) thing. The boob situation is dire (dr on Monday) I’ve got major over supply issues and am in a bit of a vicious cycle of engorgement/expressing to relieve block ducts - J’s latch is crap (he doesn’t mind because there’s so much milk but he isn’t draining the breast properly). He’s much happier again (not sleeping at all in the day time though) now though.

J had his first round of vaccinations yesterday, we’re enrolled in a vaccine study so he got a new MenB as well (& two lots of blood taken - both hands ). He was pretty pissed off about it & is not his normal happy self at all.

I have mastitis & just want to cry.

… and yes I’m knackered C, J & I stayed in bed chatting until 9:30 then decided it was too cold & wet to go out (Jelly Legs) & we’d have a rest today (have a really busy week(s) coming up).

Sunday - had a pre-Christmas lunch with Si’s parents & brother, it was very pleasant & C played board games with G’dad, Si & Marcus for most of the day. We left at about 4 & I was exhausted by the time we got home. I sent C to bed early with endless Simpsons DVD & Simon & I attempted to tidy the house & organise paper work etc. I had a rather scary haircut (I mustn’t worry according to C because it’ll grow back soon!!!!), I like it & it goes nicely with my image Sorted out some weird internet stuff.

Saturday - Teeny’s party Left in a huge rush (I hadn’t managed to make a cake either) but managed to arrive exactly on time. Had a lovely time (J & S enjoyed being the only boys allowed ), and then went back to Nic’s for Xbox, pizza, cake & fizz (wetting the Boy’s head ). I was slightly apprehensive about being away from home with J (he is a very distractible messy feeder & I don’t really enjoy getting my tits out) but he was brilliant and we all had a lovely time.

Friday - I got the car back C & I took J to the baby clinic (still 75th centile, over 12 pounds now ), then went to Tesco & finally ERAPA (which was nice but so noisy & lots of glitter). C made a light up Christmas tree. We left fairly early to rush and meet my mum (we hardly see her at the moment she’s working so hard), in the end she was stuck in traffic which gave me a chance to tidy the house up & sit staring into space for a while. We chatted about sofas & house prices while she worshipped J then Si got home & Alison arrived to take C to GB (do you think it is normal or slightly disturbing for a child from a non Christian household to insist on having church clothes & draw stick figure crucifixion scenes on everything?). I think we had chocolate & wine for dinner.

Thursday - J’Legs again as C wanted to finish off her angel. I made little walnut tree decorations & M made a rattle to entertain J. The families there today were much nicer & I enjoyed chatting to them. Afterwards we decided to try and finish the Christmas shopping (which I did - yay!) & I ended up buying both C & J a new outfit each. Simon picked us up from town afterwards & we went over to my parents - I spent a couple of hours helping mum with an essay & Si got the Smart car going again.

Wednesday - I think we did maths

I’m still knitting a raglan cardie for J - it is 4-ply merino (babysoft I think) & is pissing me off so much. I messed up the raglan shaping twice & had to rip it up - I’ve only got half a sleeve to go now but am so unmotivated. I was going to knit dolls for all the girls but can’t start that until I’ve finished the cardie. I aslo need to finish C’s name picture.

more cheerful today - I bought some trousers in the size I thought I might be & they are way, way too big, so I tried on my pre-pregnancy jeans they fitted comfortably (i.e. I can breathe)

Now to get back to my pre-IVF-devastating-miscarriage-year-of- steroid-therapy-facing-financial-ruin-weight

J didn’t sleep properly yesterday & gradually got more hysterical through the day - by 8:30 he was inconsolable (even dark room swaddling & boob didn’t help) he eventually conked out at about 11 but then slept until 4:30 which wasn’t bad. He’s now 7 weeks old and had lots of new hair, he’s nearly sucking his thumb which is amazingly cute.

C didn’t go up to the next swimming level yesterday, she wasn’t as upset as she could have been because I’d anticipated it & tried to prepare her. She swims well but can’t get the breathing right on front crawl (it doesn’t help that her goggles are crap). Anyway the teacher said she can do everything else so she can have another go next week, if not Si is going to work with her over the Christmas break. She had a good swim anyway by all accounts & has made friends with a ‘nice girl’ from her class who ‘might be called Maggie’

I’m trying to get some new activities organised for her next year - we’re looking at new dance classes & also gymnastics & trampolining. She says she wants to start an instrument, which freaks me slightly because we cannot afford a piano at the moment. Yay - gymnastics starting at Easter & new RAD ballet/jazz class from January 10th (fucking expensive we can’t afford tap as well).

C read me some Dr Seuss this morning - the reading situation is so frustrating for me because she can do it but the slightest thing knocks her back (another worrying development because she has always been so self confident & recently we’ve had a few ‘I’m stupid’ and ‘I’m the worst in the class’) she’s really started to compare herself to other kids which I hate - and did pretty well. I read her some more then she did some puzzles from her Scooby Doo magazines. I messed around with J (baby who suddenly will not sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time) while C watched a bit of Aquamarine (which oddly isn’t terrible, some of it is quite funny), then I got out Sarah’s Tudor dolls & C spent most of the afternoon doing them. We read about Elizabeth I and I found some Fairy Tales to read.

We’re really enjoying having a table again (small pleasures).

For the first time since J was born I’m feeling a bit blue - not really sure why, I’m tired and v. pissed off with my weight, I’ve been really good (lost 10kg since he was 2 weeks old) but actually put on weight last week . We’re really busy but I need to do more group stuff, I’m starting to crave adult company again. Its definitely not PND though physically I feel really well & I’m rather impressed with my powers as a Mother Of Two - maybe its PMT. I need to do something fun.

Anyway C is fed, washed, read to & in bed, Simon has taken J to Tesco and I’m breathing

Gratuitous J smiling pic

Read to C in bed & managed to get us all washed, dressed & fed to Jelly Legs (via the library - fine was ‘only’ £4.20) . We haven’t been for ages, it was really fun but OMG the conspicuous parenting (there’s always one isn’t there?). It did amuse me that the silly mare kept staring at C as if she wanted an explanation of why she (obviously school age) was at the pre-school group . J slept for the first half & it was nice to do some stuff with C & chat to M the teacher. C made a papier mache angel.

Made lunch for C then did some DWN with her. While she went off to play on the computer I cleaned the condenser on the dryer (yuck), did a couple of loads of washing (nappy load yuck), made fish cakes (canned salmon yuck, but they taste nice, C will eat them & lots of good omega stuff), cleaned the kitchen - again - yelled at cats & fed the baby lots. I’m pretty tired now.

Swimming this evening.

Car passed the MOT

C decided she doesn’t want to go to her dancing class anymore - this has been building up since before the summer & I agree with her reasons for not wanting to go (with the additional one that its a bloody rip off), we’re trying to get her into a new class (an after school one - I hate weekend activities) to start after Christmas. Saturday moring was therefore not at all stressful and we were pretty productive.

Simon built a table & benches (not pictured) - they need painting, but aren’t bad for £40

I painted a Christmas pressie for J - I was really pleased with it, I’ve seen similar being sold for £40+ and this cost be £1.99 (canvas from Lidl). I need to do one for C now!

And from the ball of green cashmerino that never ends, a tank top & socks (I enjoy dressing him funny )

C & S also went to Lily’s 12th birthday party - swimming - on Saturday night & had a great time. We all went to my parent’s for cake & wine on Sunday