A very large papier mache cockerel. She’s been working on him for months & he’s finally finished

She crawled into bed with me for a cuddle this morning. She doesn’t often do that anymore, more important things to do you see, Gameboying, reading, Zoombinis, coco pops. It was heavenly, I love that girl so much.

Debbie Bliss Pure Cotton, from Last Minute Knitted Gifts.

Just cut Claudia’s hair into a short bob (very Madeleine), she looks gorgeous but is utterly devastated. She’s been crying so much it made me cry

Jolly Phonics (seven 20 page workbooks & a couple of second hand videos**) , £7.50 from another HEor whose kids didn’t enjoy them.

But what can this be … surely not … picture books … chapter books … library books …. fiction … non fiction … everywhere … everywhere … everywhere … piles …. need more shelves … drowning under books …. how is this possible?

My single aim in life is to produce a child (hell preferably more than one child) who hates reading … no love of reading in this house thank you very much. Simon & I do our best to read in private so the kids don’t see it as something pleasurable, we’ve started to hide the books we accidentally acquired before we went to the dark side. I want to be just like all those other home educators whose entire collection consists of 100EL, Letterland & Jolly Phonics and who’ve never heard of a library. I come across them all the time.

* someone please point out to me where it has been suggested that a diet of enforced reading schemes is the way to encourage reading
** highly amusing if only for the 1970’s OU/BBC/home video production values

ETA: fuck I need help … the baby just walked in with a real book … whatever will I do?

Some people have been writing about it here, here, here, here, here and here. It isn’t something that people talk about although everyone grieves at some point.

When I think about grief I hear the Bear Hunt song (I know I’m odd) … ‘we can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we’ve gotta go through it’. There’ve been times when I’ve actually chanted it to myself, when it has really, really hurt & I felt like I couldn’t (didn’t want to) breathe - it became a mantra. Yup, odd.

It sucks, it doesn’t go away, I think mostly it becomes more bearable (ha!) but sometimes, out of the blue, it comes & fells you all over again. I’m so sorry for anyone who’s there right now.

Posy from Louisa Harding’s Miss Mille, Rowan Pure Wool DK.

There are some lovely patterns I’m knitting Jasmine for claudia at the moment (black & silver )

… well not exactly but I thought this was fun. Jasper & Claudia at the same age, in the same place, separated by a mere six years

I did a post as well but lost it. It went something along the lines of:
- had great weekend
- G’ma doing really well - if I was doing as well after emergency spinal surgery at 85 I’d be pretty pleased
- Claudia has - read, helped in the garden, knitted, played the piano, fed the ducks, eaten chocolate, Gameboy’d, scooted & climbed trees. I forgot to mention she got 4th prize for Bible Art in the district GB competition - lovely picture of Joseph & his brothers having a picnic
- Simon has - tried & failed to work, taken my laptop apart, chopped lots of wood & played Moody Monosyllabic Spouse
- Jasper has - had a great time at the park, had new shoes, done lots of hilarious Montessori type things involving spoons & kindling
- I’ve knitted, tidied, gardened, shopped & a booked a holiday for the new year. I’ve put into action Phase I of my plan (which is interesting only to me at this point) & embarked on actual serious weight loss plan (again )

Not terrible or anything but just a bit crap.

I need something to do … first there was the move & the house, then the IVF, then I was pregnant with J … I feel deflated. I have some ideas for next year, but I’m just so fucking tired atm.

I drafted a loooong post but realised it boiled down to - Claudia can read and she really enjoys it , everything else is okay. We’ve slowed down with maths, I think there are things she needs to be more secure with. Sometimes I find HE really hard, I do go through periods of worrying a lot. She has a great time, she’s active & confident & outgoing and only 7. I need to chill out, I’ve been trying really hard to be patient & kind & that’s making life more enjoyable.

She’s loving having the keyboard & is far more enthusiastic about playing than I ever was. I’ve never had to ask her to practice but sometimes have to beg her to stop

Jasper emptied a huge bowl of cat food into the washing machine this morning

(He had his MMR on Wednesday & his last blood test for the OVG, he was very brave.)

I bought this for J today - it is absolutely delish.

Was intending to do a proper post but we’ve got Razor to watch so it’ll have to wait

Terrible mummy moment tonight, J is exhausted and will not sleep, after an hour of having him crawling all over me and moaning I yelled a little too loud when he bit me & made him cry - I feel horribly guilty. Simon got him to sleep in about 4 minutes after I stormed off, I almost want to go & wake him up to say I’m sorry .