It was lovely apparently, from what little I remember all about letting go & finding a way to move on. Simon feels not better but relieved, Toby’s now okay, he won’t be disturbed, we can visit when we want to. I feel worse - I don’t want him in the ground, I want to keep him with me, I don’t want him on his own. When I woke up his morning I didn’t have the ‘OMG he’s really dead’ dread but ‘he’s not here anymore’ instead. I completely understand parents who run off with their dead children’s bodies.

We took him to the cemetery - Claudia wanted to carry him so she held the coffin all the way, it was great having the three of them together. She decided it was okay that he was tiny because we could fit a tiny carseat between her & Jasper; if he wasn’t dead of course. She wants to know why he couldn’t have been very small but alive. She’s having intrusive thoughts about him waking up & wants to know how to stop them.

I’ve ordered a couple of books about helping children with grief & ‘Trying Again …’ because I needed to make the free postage up but right now it is inconceivable to risk this happening again. I don’t like making decisions based on fear (sickening terror?) but this is about life. Even if you ignore the early losses I’ve got a 50% success rate for babies who make it into the second trimester. Is it immoral to contemplate creating a life that is as likely to die as live? I still feel completely fucked up about our poor little embryos.

Does a 16/17 week old fetus have enough neurological function to suffer as it dies? If Toby was ill did he feel it? If it was the placenta again I guess he’d get hypoxic & his cells would slowly stop functioning - he wouldn’t have had the horrible gasp reflex because he didn’t breathe. What if it was an infection? If there was some kind of chromosomal or genetic problem did his body just stop? The last time I heard his hb it was 20bmp slower than usual - I assumed it was just because he was getting bigger, it was still in the normal range - was he dying then?

I have a (my) dead baby in a pretty white box on my dining room table surrounded by lots of flowers.

It’s good to have him home.

my triggers - I’m being very strict with myself. Avoiding all conversations regarding disappointment re baby’s sex/hair colour/birth/age gaps etc - do not want Toby’s memory polluted by idiots. Also avoiding women with double buggies & crying newborns, not reading anything baby related on the news. At least I’ve been through it enough times to know exactly how not to make myself worse. Turning into ‘it could’ve been worse’ woman - yup your baby could be DEAD - it’ll pass & I’ve managed not to say it out loud to anyone. Would like to be afforded the same consideration & not have people complaining about their live children/ pregnancies/births to me but there you go.

Cried last night because we didn’t get around to recording his heartbeat. Have noticed I feel v. sad for a couple of hours at about 4:30ish - probably because I’m knackered by then. The ‘foreverness’ of it all is beginning to sink in.

Managed to get registered at new GP - need to make an appointment now.

Went into town yesterday morning - Jasper was very trying, got blisters & a photo album for Toby. Claudia chose some cards to put in with him. She’s doing okay - talking lots & being pragmatic ‘do you think Toby would’ve liked this’ etc - which is good, I can cope with that. Decided she doesn’t want to come to the funeral because she doesn’t want to see him buried (completely agree there).

Alison’s in the afternoon - children were in pool - lovely!

We’re back to the hospital tonight.

Have planned a couple of holidays - that we shouldn’t be able to go on because we should have no money & a newborn by then.

Some knitting friends sent me a lovely email this morning which made me cry & smile.

Got out of the house (by lunch time it would’ve been earlier considering I’m awake at first light but I had another bath plug incident) and went to monopolise Alison. It’s the most I’ve spoken to anyone for weeks & it completely exhausted me (company was lovely though). I didn’t want to go home when we left & Jasper fell asleep within about 30 seconds, so we went for a walk. I bought a trashy novel, a couple of pairs of shorts for Jasper & some bubble mixture. Had a quiet weep in the shop toilets then came home.

Conceiving Toby made me feel completely normal, I am determined to hold onto that.

They want to know whether we want the service in the chapel or at the graveside. I’m anticipating finding it hard to watch a tiny white box being put in the ground.

I am glad we’re doing it - he was real & here - having nothing to show for such an important event in your life is really hard. With Estella I had a placental abruption in the end & was bleeding very heavily by the time we got to A&E. I was whisked straight into theatre for an ERPC/manual removal & then spent hours & hours in recovery because I’d lost so much blood. We had her blessed by the chaplain then cremated, but didn’t see her or have a service. I don’t regret it because it was the best we could do for her, but that & having only two crappy pictures despite all the bloody scans makes it feel slightly imaginary.

Mornings are horrible (this morning especially since I self medicated with wine & cake last night see funeral). The evenings are horrible & I just cry, but in the morning I have to wake up & remember I feel shit. Dreamt I was having a unassisted home birth of a breech baby last night - read into that what you will.

We’re trying to arrange the funeral - since neither of us know what’s suppose to happen it isn’t that easy. Can’t think of any music that isn’t dreadfully twee or irritating so I don’t think they’ll be music. Have some poems though - Dirge Without Music (’cos frankly we’re all pissed off with the whole death thing), Sweet & Low (Tennyson) & Nothing Gold Can Stay. We want to take Toby to the cemetery ourselves.

Claudia is fragile - it’s much worse that last time, far less abstract (she has a baby brother & identifies very strongly Toby with Jasper, which I guess we all do) - she wrote a little letter to go with him yesterday and cried a lot. My mum has taken her to Legoland today, which is great & she’ll have a lovely time, but I’m missing her. She wants to go to the funeral but is scared - we want to keep it small so she’s not overwhelmed if she decides to come.

Thank you all for offering to come - it means so much, he really was a lovely baby - I’m a mess at the moment though so it’s just going to be us & our parents.

Jasper likes it when I call him piglet - he makes an incredibly cute snorting-snuffle noise and giggles. He’s had a fairly disastrous haircut (ended up being short back & sides once we’d cut all the dreds out) - no curls anymore, I’ve cried frequently about it.

Next Wednesday morning.

Claudia is very upset.

Today is really hard. I went with Si to take Claudia riding, really should’ve stayed in bed but I can’t stand being on my own (not looking foward to next week). We drove past the scan place & it brought it all back, the last time we went riding was the last time I felt like everything was all okay.

They didn’t take any swabs while I was in hospital - infection (including bacterial vaginosis) is an important cause of second trimester loss. I’ve had so many antibiotics they’d be negative now even if I did have something before. Trying to decide whether to get the GP to refer me to St Mary’s, last I heard the wait was 6 months.

Organised some more of Toby’s pictures - trying to decide which ones to get for the children.

Wish I was feeling angry - at least I’d have some energy - I’m so bloody sad & lonely & confused. I keep asking the same things over & over because I can’t concentrate & don’t listen properly to the answers.

I was happy that this was the last time I’d have to do it - now I don’t know if I can be brave again.

Had an exhausting & emotional day.

Went back to see Toby - cried for ages but felt better being with him. He looked okay after PM - got him dressed & wrapped up which was great because I could hold him without worrying about damaging him. More pictures. Gave him his teddies and lots of kisses.

Sorted out his certificates & tags with the mw. Asked about the ERPC - I’m covered in bruises, turns out I did bleed a lot & they gave me ergometrine & well as synto. Checked hb (fine) - feeling very tired & wobbly - mw pointed out I had recently given birth & had GA. Trying to be normal for kids but need to slow down before Si goes back to work next week or I won’t manage.

Talked about funeral - we’ve decided on communal baby grave but a private service just for Toby. Will talk to chaplain next week to arrange the date. Also saw PALS to get notes from the delivery.

After we left the hospital we went to see the cemetery - baby section is lovely but very sad, cried a lot more.

Went to Guildford to pick up kids - Si has taken them both to GB awards evening. I feel like collapsing. This is really hard I’m not at all ready to say goodbye.

I started knitting again when we were doing the IVF cycle, there’s so much sitting around I needed something to distract from the endless waiting, to try to keep the disappointment at bay.

When I was pregnant with Stella I was on & off bed rest, praying so hard that it would be okay - knitting kept me busy. When it became apparent she wasn’t going to survive I knitted like crazy, I have a box full of tiny tear stained socks, hats & teddies. All in silk & cashmere, my way of showing how much I loved her, how precious she was.

It was only towards the end of my pregnancy with Jasper that I started knitting things that might actually get worn by a breathing baby. I daren’t let myself hope before. From then until this March I’ve knitted constantly & I’ve loved it; stitches = love. The rhythm is therapeutic, it helps me breathe when it all really hurts.

I stopped knitting in March. This pregnancy was really hard (too hard) right from the beginning - headaches, vomiting - I was anxious & distracted. After the second scan - when things were just wonderful & we were so happy we laughed - I started planning what to knit, a tiny, newborn BSJ in colourful silk? But I carried on getting sicker and couldn’t start.

Today is the first time I’ve picked up the needles, I got out the baby silk & knitted a burial gown for my darling Toby. I’ll never get to make him anything else.

So that’s the end. I have four children, half of them are dead & I just want to scream. Toby looks so much like Jasper it’s unbelievable. I want him back.

Decided not to buy clothes from a company which describes it’s boys’ range thus

While their girls’ clothes are inspired by

They are “ethical” though … all organic & cut for cloth & overpriced *roll*

Have written my letter to the consultant midwife outlining exactly what I want as far as antenatal care goes (i.e. to see her & my consultant of choice only), and explaining (resisted ranting but did include ’spectacularly poor management’ & ‘insensitive’) why I’m not registered with a GP & am not willing to have them involved at any point.

I’m feeling stressed about it already (it was great with J because mum did all my antenatal care - well better than great, fabulous ). I hate going through my obstetric history (G8P2 now), I hate being touched by people, I know my BP will be high. I get upset by them treating me like an idiot & tired of being assertive. I’m not uncooperative nor am I unsafe - I’ll decline unnecessary tests - serum screening (we always decline), HIV/hep B/rubella (I’ve been screened a billion times in the last 8 years - nothing has changed), GTT (unless I start peeing sugar), weighing - I’ll save them money I’m happy to have anti-D & antibody levels done, anomaly scan, I’ll pee on as many sticks as they want & submit to PET bloods because my BP will be astronomical (my record for C’s pregnancy was 190/120 - impressive huh) & I know that they can’t take my word for it that it is just white coat. I’ll even take my vile ferrous sulphate like a good patient.

It might be okay … mum says the mw is very nice .. she works with the lovely trauma & bereavement obstetrician … her job spec is dealing with difficult women (wasn’t how they put it) - elective sections by maternal request & HBACs against medical advice kind of stuff.

Was only sick once today (mint viscount - my own fault), children have been delightful as well