Knitting endings.
I started knitting again when we were doing the IVF cycle, there’s so much sitting around I needed something to distract from the endless waiting, to try to keep the disappointment at bay.
When I was pregnant with Stella I was on & off bed rest, praying so hard that it would be okay - knitting kept me busy. When it became apparent she wasn’t going to survive I knitted like crazy, I have a box full of tiny tear stained socks, hats & teddies. All in silk & cashmere, my way of showing how much I loved her, how precious she was.
It was only towards the end of my pregnancy with Jasper that I started knitting things that might actually get worn by a breathing baby. I daren’t let myself hope before. From then until this March I’ve knitted constantly & I’ve loved it; stitches = love. The rhythm is therapeutic, it helps me breathe when it all really hurts.
I stopped knitting in March. This pregnancy was really hard (too hard) right from the beginning - headaches, vomiting - I was anxious & distracted. After the second scan - when things were just wonderful & we were so happy we laughed - I started planning what to knit, a tiny, newborn BSJ in colourful silk? But I carried on getting sicker and couldn’t start.
Today is the first time I’ve picked up the needles, I got out the baby silk & knitted a burial gown for my darling Toby. I’ll never get to make him anything else.
So that’s the end. I have four children, half of them are dead & I just want to scream. Toby looks so much like Jasper it’s unbelievable. I want him back.
I am so sorry to hear this. Words are inadequate but we’re thinking of you all.
Comment by Jan — 17 July, 2008 @ 11:12 pm
Layla, when is the burial/funeral/whatever it is you are having? (and what sort of thing is it, I know they seem to offer wildly varying services in different areas)
You know I am still thinking of you too. all my love.
Comment by Sarah — 17 July, 2008 @ 11:23 pm
I’m holding you in all in my heart. Is there anything we can do?
Comment by Roslyn — 17 July, 2008 @ 11:26 pm
i am so so very sorry to hear this layla.
Comment by HelenHaricot — 21 July, 2008 @ 10:17 pm
coming to this late, all my love and hugs, feel for you.
Comment by jax — 23 July, 2008 @ 7:04 pm