One week down
Mornings are horrible (this morning especially since I self medicated with wine & cake last night see funeral). The evenings are horrible & I just cry, but in the morning I have to wake up & remember I feel shit. Dreamt I was having a unassisted home birth of a breech baby last night - read into that what you will.
We’re trying to arrange the funeral - since neither of us know what’s suppose to happen it isn’t that easy. Can’t think of any music that isn’t dreadfully twee or irritating so I don’t think they’ll be music. Have some poems though - Dirge Without Music (’cos frankly we’re all pissed off with the whole death thing), Sweet & Low (Tennyson) & Nothing Gold Can Stay. We want to take Toby to the cemetery ourselves.
Claudia is fragile - it’s much worse that last time, far less abstract (she has a baby brother & identifies very strongly Toby with Jasper, which I guess we all do) - she wrote a little letter to go with him yesterday and cried a lot. My mum has taken her to Legoland today, which is great & she’ll have a lovely time, but I’m missing her. She wants to go to the funeral but is scared - we want to keep it small so she’s not overwhelmed if she decides to come.
Thank you all for offering to come - it means so much, he really was a lovely baby - I’m a mess at the moment though so it’s just going to be us & our parents.
Jasper likes it when I call him piglet - he makes an incredibly cute snorting-snuffle noise and giggles. He’s had a fairly disastrous haircut (ended up being short back & sides once we’d cut all the dreds out) - no curls anymore, I’ve cried frequently about it.
sorry that it’s taken so long to comment. I’m really sorry to hear about it all. Sending as much love and strength as I can. xxx
Comment by Kirsty — 22 July, 2008 @ 11:31 am
Still reading. Still crying. If you would like to meet up for lunch (junk food or otherwise) this week let us know.
Comment by Ailbhe — 22 July, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
Unsurprising that it’s worse for Claudie this time round. I remember the miscarriage I had after Anna was far worse than the one before, because I knew what I’d lost - and I guess it’s the same for her - she really knows what she’s lost this time. As do you all, as you said.
At least you are doing something tangible where you can all say goodbye - we didn’t do anything like that, for some reason it didn’t seem important at the time. It must be so hard to know what to do.
Thinking of you all, still, of course.
Comment by Sarah — 22 July, 2008 @ 4:25 pm