Avoiding
my triggers - I’m being very strict with myself. Avoiding all conversations regarding disappointment re baby’s sex/hair colour/birth/age gaps etc - do not want Toby’s memory polluted by idiots. Also avoiding women with double buggies & crying newborns, not reading anything baby related on the news. At least I’ve been through it enough times to know exactly how not to make myself worse. Turning into ‘it could’ve been worse’ woman - yup your baby could be DEAD - it’ll pass & I’ve managed not to say it out loud to anyone. Would like to be afforded the same consideration & not have people complaining about their live children/ pregnancies/births to me but there you go.
Cried last night because we didn’t get around to recording his heartbeat. Have noticed I feel v. sad for a couple of hours at about 4:30ish - probably because I’m knackered by then. The ‘foreverness’ of it all is beginning to sink in.
Managed to get registered at new GP - need to make an appointment now.
Went into town yesterday morning - Jasper was very trying, got blisters & a photo album for Toby. Claudia chose some cards to put in with him. She’s doing okay - talking lots & being pragmatic ‘do you think Toby would’ve liked this’ etc - which is good, I can cope with that. Decided she doesn’t want to come to the funeral because she doesn’t want to see him buried (completely agree there).
Alison’s in the afternoon - children were in pool - lovely!
We’re back to the hospital tonight.
Have planned a couple of holidays - that we shouldn’t be able to go on because we should have no money & a newborn by then.
Some knitting friends sent me a lovely email this morning which made me cry & smile.
oh I can identify with lots of that.
I found that talking matter of factly to Anna at the time was what helped the most … and made me cry the most, but there we are. I have an album too - with cards, and photos of flowers we received at the time. Helped me and I still look at it occasionally. Hope it helps you all the same way xxx.
Comment by Sarah — 25 July, 2008 @ 11:19 am