yadda yadda
It was lovely apparently, from what little I remember all about letting go & finding a way to move on. Simon feels not better but relieved, Toby’s now okay, he won’t be disturbed, we can visit when we want to. I feel worse - I don’t want him in the ground, I want to keep him with me, I don’t want him on his own. When I woke up his morning I didn’t have the ‘OMG he’s really dead’ dread but ‘he’s not here anymore’ instead. I completely understand parents who run off with their dead children’s bodies.
We took him to the cemetery - Claudia wanted to carry him so she held the coffin all the way, it was great having the three of them together. She decided it was okay that he was tiny because we could fit a tiny carseat between her & Jasper; if he wasn’t dead of course. She wants to know why he couldn’t have been very small but alive. She’s having intrusive thoughts about him waking up & wants to know how to stop them.
I’ve ordered a couple of books about helping children with grief & ‘Trying Again …’ because I needed to make the free postage up but right now it is inconceivable to risk this happening again. I don’t like making decisions based on fear (sickening terror?) but this is about life. Even if you ignore the early losses I’ve got a 50% success rate for babies who make it into the second trimester. Is it immoral to contemplate creating a life that is as likely to die as live? I still feel completely fucked up about our poor little embryos.
Does a 16/17 week old fetus have enough neurological function to suffer as it dies? If Toby was ill did he feel it? If it was the placenta again I guess he’d get hypoxic & his cells would slowly stop functioning - he wouldn’t have had the horrible gasp reflex because he didn’t breathe. What if it was an infection? If there was some kind of chromosomal or genetic problem did his body just stop? The last time I heard his hb it was 20bmp slower than usual - I assumed it was just because he was getting bigger, it was still in the normal range - was he dying then?
One of the main reasons I was happy to stop at 3 kids, after Josiah, was that my success rate with staying pregnant was also under 50%, and I really couldn’t have faced another loss. Don’t think I thought about the rest of it as much as you have. Tough stuff to get through though, no two ways about it
Comment by Sarah — 31 July, 2008 @ 4:14 pm
Oh, poor, poor Claudia.
Fetal distress during death: I looked into this for a woman in the livejournal birthtrauma community, and I couldn’t find anything conclusive, but it is my belief that babies who die in the womb have a peaceful, probably painless life, up to the last. We know they can feel and hear the movement of your body, and your voice from outside. There’s some evidence that they can feel externally imposed stresses and pain. But there’s nothing to cause them pain inside - no gut contents to cramp around, no gasping, as you say, none of the bodily-imposed pains illness usually brings. They can’t even have a fever, as far as we know. They respond to the voices of their parents and siblings, though not usually as young as that, and other than that, it’s all warm and wet and pink.
We have no proof that newborn babies know about fear, and less that unborn babies do.
If they know anything, they know love and peace.
Comment by Ailbhe — 31 July, 2008 @ 5:58 pm
I obviously can’t give you any answers for you, but on my part: I think that they do not feel pain. I think that it is not immoral to give a chance at life, you are not the one taking the chance away. I think that it’s impossible to make any decisions about trying/ not trying at this point, I am only just beginning to be able to contemplate it all again, and I didn’t have this kind of traumatic loss, there was no baby to lose, just (ok, there’s no just about any of this) missed miscarriages. (Bizarre phrase.)
Much love and hugs to you all. Big and Small seemed to a large extent to take it in their strides, although they asked some awkward questions much further down the line. Perhaps it is better for Claudia to work through it all with you now, rather than startle you with something in a while? Hope so.
Comment by jax — 31 July, 2008 @ 7:54 pm
Lots of love to you all, as always. Thought about you all day yesterday.
Comment by Joyce — 31 July, 2008 @ 8:55 pm