Holiday/jinx
We were planning to book a holiday just after Christmas (when prices go down) - I am dreading Christmas quite honestly & though it would be good to have something to look forward to.
I’m troubled by the jinx though - every time we plan anything something bad happens - camping in August/September - car explodes - baby plans/purchases - baby dies - book a holiday - Simon gets made redundant????
It’s stupid but I feel cursed. I might never leave the house again.
Cried more yesterday than I have for weeks. Claudia really wants to go to school, I can’t believe we’ve got into more debt, can’t let go of the image of Toby & Jasper together. Feel quite strongly that I can’t cope with another pregnancy. Feel crap physically - my body has been so abused for the last 5 years (the list of drugs & procedures I’ve had is insanely long, not to mention the self medicating) - thought of ttc again fills me with gut-wrenching horror.
Pitiful whine … I just want to be normal … I just want to do normal things. I don’t want drama and trauma, I just want to be normal. If Toby hadn’t died I would’ve been normal - baby conceived the normal way, pregnancy without shit loads of drugs, children without a huge age gap. I feel so fucking conspicuous & freakish. I might have been able to do normal mother things - whinge about pregnancy & birth & all that shit - without feeling that there’s a barrier between me & the rest of the world. I don’t fit in anywhere, everything is put through a filter that normal people don’t have - things don’t sound or look or feel or mean the same to me as they do to everyone else. All my wonderful FFs are either childless & I wouldn’t, in a billion years, expect them to listen to any of my angst or cycling again which we will definitely, 100%, never, ever, ever do again. I can’t be around pregnancy or birth or young babies (or even hopeful people) without wanting to throw myself under a car so I guess I really shouldn’t leave the house.
can certainly understand how it feels to think you’re jinxed. Been wondering if we’ve been jinxed since coming back from Scotland. Life has just not been easy in any way shape or form. We have a holiday coming up in Ireland with James’ family. I so don’t want to go and have *another* crap holiday.
You’re so not freakish though, please don’t think of yourself like it. *hugs*
Comment by Kirsty — 22 August, 2008 @ 1:59 pm
Just sending lots of love and hugs xxx
Comment by Nic — 22 August, 2008 @ 5:50 pm
agree with kirsty. loads of cyberhugs. you are not freakish but grieving.
we are kinda thinking of cp-ing in jan, and SB and c get on well enough for messing in the pool. cheap deals not out yet though
Comment by HelenHaricot — 22 August, 2008 @ 5:53 pm
CP sounds good if we can join the fun
? Think I’ll need a break and some friends by then.
(((((Love Layla)))), be kind to yourself.
Comment by Roslyn — 22 August, 2008 @ 7:15 pm
hugs from me too xxx.
Comment by Sarah — 23 August, 2008 @ 11:28 am
beginning to wonder whether this teaching lark was a good plan, can’t do any of these cheap holidays any more
Have some more hugs. Grieving is crap and feeling different to the world doesn’t help. Bugger, I’m tearing up typing this so I’ll stop now and just say still and always thinking of you.
Comment by Jax — 26 August, 2008 @ 4:16 pm