Not doing too well on the employment thing. Jasper has decided he’ll eat raisins though, which is good, his diet is so restricted anything new makes me very excited. We have a SALT referral pending (he has a grand total of four words - dog, fish, duck & star), wish he would transfer some of his rather fearsome strength & climbing ability into TALKING.

Simon & Claudia cleared all the junk (huge piles) from the desk this weekend & Si rebuilt her computer, it kind of works now & we’ve agreed she’s going to try & keep the desk clear from now on. The kids went out with my mum, which Jasper particularly enjoyed. We did some shopping & cooking.

Claudie & I stayed in bed late on Saturday morning & I finished reading Kensuke’s Kingdom which was excellent. She did some maths - mainly mental arithmetic, some from 2B & some from this (which she claims is far too easy - I did point out it gets harder ) - and spelling (!) & we lounged about chatting. Simon tried to go out with Jasper who got very upset after 10 minutes of snow so they came home. They’ve done lots of drawing & Hama beads., Claudia spends ages with the Paper Fashion kit.

We restarted the activities. Claudia enjoyed dancing on Wednesday, I’ve been debating dropping it but she’s suddenly enthusiastic again. Swimming went well as did piano.

She’s been in a generally good, happy, cooperative mood all week which has been lovely (especially since Jasper is being a little sod spectacularly two). She’s done sewing (made a little beaded purse) & lots of drawing, maths, history (she decided she wanted to do the mapwork from SOTW 1 - we usually just read), a bit of spelling & even a GP English exercise. She finished Chamber of Secrets & has started Prisoner of Azkaban, though she keeps stopping to read Beast Quest books I think I’m going to read Gobbolino the Witch’s Cat next week.

Christmas wasn’t awful, in fact it was mostly lovely (86yo great grandma Wii boxing while leaning on her walking frame). Claudia was really excited, she loved her presents & was suitably grateful; she has really enjoyed having the cousins around. She did a lot of maths in the run up to Christmas & drawing & a bunch of craft kits (she got enough to last another year from Christmas too ) she was given some fiendishly fiddly anatomical models, so we’ve been getting frustrated with those. Jasper doesn’t like the idea of opening presents, he has no interest in them whilst they are wrapped, but he enjoyed his new puzzles, cars & train once I unwrapped them. He’s loved all the attention, being the youngest is pretty good! We also visited Simon’s parents & the kids both got a huge bag of presents (Toby got a lovely present too).

We’ve all been ill at some point or other, Jasper particularly - it wasn’t a restful holiday in any way at all - Simon & I are quite exhausted. I had a few really bad days leading up to it. I’d put off Christmas shopping until the last minute & it was as upsetting as I’d expected. The day after Boxing Day was hard mostly because I was so tired & New Year’s Eve was awful. I cancelled our plans because J was still ill & I was just so miserable, in the end my mum persuaded us to visit them, the children had a ball, Simon drank cocktails & we made it home early.

I’m scared most of the time, Jasper doesn’t sleep well, I don’t feel healthy. I’m drained. Moan … moan … we’re still okay, the children are happy & gorgeous I’m going through the motions. Limbo land.

In 2009 I would like Simon to remain employed, Jasper to learn to talk & Claudia … she can stay the same but I’d really like to be more patient with her. Minimal expectations are better.

I’ve decided that I’m closing the blog, ironically the more we do the less I feel like writing about it. I’m spending far more time doing things than thinking/reading/writing about them & that feels good. I’m saving on-line time for Ravelry As soon as we’ve got a copy I’ll delete it, but here’s one final what are we doing?

HE is great, it’s been a long time since I’ve really thought that but it is & we’ve really happy. We’ve settled into a grove & Claudia is expressing clear preferences about what, when and how she does things. I’m un-nesting & the house is getting more ordered all the time - I spent last week doing all the children’s books & this week the kitchen cupboards. I’m entering the Play Doh years with Jasper He loves his puzzles & pattern blocks, still dances a lot, when he’s happy he lights up with glee & runs over for a big sloppy kiss. He sat on the worktop & helped me cook yesterday. His climbing is more terrifying than even Claudia’s was. He says ‘no’ a lot and has drawn on every flat surface in the house … we love him so much.

We had our following up appointment last week - no answers, as expected, Toby was completely normal, all my results were completely normal. If we do it again we’re doing the full medicated steroid + heparin + aspirin thing, consultant was very supportive. Who knows though … we’re going up to Oxford in a couple of weeks.

We’re between pretty much okay & great - Claudia gets sad, we all do, but that’s okay.

Adios!

Debbie Bliss Raglan Sweater, Umbilical Cord Hat from Stitch ‘n’ Bitch & Erika Knight’s Classic Cashmere Booties; all in lovely soft cotton. I love knitting for babies.

Had a really difficult week last week - there’s no real point going over it. I’m angry & sad & was really hurt by being made to feel even more isolated. I feel freakish enough without being banished from polite society.

It was our 10th anniversary on Friday & we went out for dinner - together … alone The Silver Star Unit have agreed to take me (which is a whole ‘nother issue that I won’t go into) I’m seeing the GP on Friday to formalise the referral. We’ve done masses of work on the house in the last couple of weekends, which is good. All caffeine fuelled.

eta: ‘cos it was the point of the post, before I forgot - this is an excellent resource. You know things aren’t quite how they should be when your daughter is pleased that she found the perfect box to be her baby’s coffin.

my triggers - I’m being very strict with myself. Avoiding all conversations regarding disappointment re baby’s sex/hair colour/birth/age gaps etc - do not want Toby’s memory polluted by idiots. Also avoiding women with double buggies & crying newborns, not reading anything baby related on the news. At least I’ve been through it enough times to know exactly how not to make myself worse. Turning into ‘it could’ve been worse’ woman - yup your baby could be DEAD - it’ll pass & I’ve managed not to say it out loud to anyone. Would like to be afforded the same consideration & not have people complaining about their live children/ pregnancies/births to me but there you go.

Cried last night because we didn’t get around to recording his heartbeat. Have noticed I feel v. sad for a couple of hours at about 4:30ish - probably because I’m knackered by then. The ‘foreverness’ of it all is beginning to sink in.

Managed to get registered at new GP - need to make an appointment now.

Went into town yesterday morning - Jasper was very trying, got blisters & a photo album for Toby. Claudia chose some cards to put in with him. She’s doing okay - talking lots & being pragmatic ‘do you think Toby would’ve liked this’ etc - which is good, I can cope with that. Decided she doesn’t want to come to the funeral because she doesn’t want to see him buried (completely agree there).

Alison’s in the afternoon - children were in pool - lovely!

We’re back to the hospital tonight.

Have planned a couple of holidays - that we shouldn’t be able to go on because we should have no money & a newborn by then.

Some knitting friends sent me a lovely email this morning which made me cry & smile.

We’ve had a great weekend (despite various ailments)

As usual I don’t have many pictures of Claudia since we barely saw her. On Saturday Simon & the children went to my niece’s birthday party. I stayed at home - in part to finish their hotpotch-cost nothing- scrap box costumes for Sunday & to attempt to feel better. They had a lovely time - Jasper with the fish & Claudia doing party stuff

Did I say they were hotpotch-cost nothing-scrap box costumes?

Of course Claudia ripped a hole in hers within about 10 minutes & Jasper’s is filthy, but fun was had

Our trip back was more successful than the journey down and, after food & scrubbing, the children slept all night! Claudia is currently on the sofa reading the Usborne Encyclopaedia of World History, I’ve read Jasper a billion books - we have no food & no clean clothes, so I guess I know what I’m doing today.

I’m feeling pretty dire - tired, sick, shaky - here’s another catch-up.

On Monday Claudia was exhausted & a little bit fragile (not too bad but a taste of things to come). She did some maths, spelling, NVR/VR, English & read through a huge pile of Horrible Histories. She spent most of the afternoon on the sofa with books, DS & some films. I managed to get most of the washing done & dried (I’m experimenting with doing it at 30oC to save energy - doesn’t get grass stains out). Forgot there wasn’t any swimming which was a pain, they really could’ve done with letting off some steam & then a good sleep.

Tuesday was horrible, C did some work in the morning but got more and more upset through the day - culminating in a breakdown about being lonely because she had no-one to play with Simon came home a bit early but she’d pretty much lost it by then & was awful all evening. I think it was mostly fatigue , she slept for 14 hours & was fine the next day.

Wednesday - we sewed in the morning (costumes), C looked at costume books & websites & designed some outfits herself Mum visited in the afternoon, I was feeling terrible by this point & C didn’t want to go to ballet so we stayed at home.

Thursday - was good Very productive morning, C wrote a story called ‘Bird Watching and eventually got through maths. I’m really, really pleased with the GP English, C likes it, there’s a good mixture of everything & it isn’t work-booky at all. I’m really impressed with how quickly she’s picked it up, we’re still doing a few FLL every now & then because C enjoys them (no writing ) but the GP is excellent. Claudie played Pharaoh most of the afternoon, she finally got up to Level 5, then ran out of money!

Si left work a bit early because we had to go to Guildford (after a delay because C had taken & lost the bath plug (accidentally)????) - MIL had the children (both loved it) & we went for this:

EDD is Christmas Eve (we’re not telling Claudia yet).

Today was crap, I felt v. ill - my ears hurt - C & J seemed to entertain themselves though (even when I fell asleep on the sofa ). We have a monstrously busy weekend, so I’m off to bed.

Yesterday - The Show (Into The Limelight (!)). It was a hideously busy & complicated day involving multiple trips to & from the theatre. Jasper had a happy time with my parents (after 5 minutes of hysteria & a bit of searching for me) who indulge his duck obsession. Show was wonderfully typical - very loud tap dancing, very cute pre-primary kids, some singing & a couple of hysterically (& unintentionally) funny Ryan-wannabes. Claudia had a fab time (& was probably less knackered than I was), she coped with the chaos & confusion really well & managed to eat, drink, go to the loo & be in the right place at the right time. No pictures though

Saturday - started with a dress rehearsal, then we had to go into town to gather last minute supplies. I dipped strawberries in chocolate & packed various lunch boxes. We went to Gwenny’s birthday barbeque in the evening which was very pleasant & gave Jasper the opportunity to get down with Dylan

Friday - Claudia slept late, I made cakes while she was still in bed. Rushed to get ready for ERAPA & ended up being early, so Claudie went to the park while I stayed in the car with (a sleeping) Jasper. They had a display of bird parts (!), which looked interesting but I don’t think Claudia took any notice - in fact I didn’t see her for the whole afternoon. Jasper is now very involved with what ever is going on, so I spent most of the time chasing after him. GB in the evening & C is now a Junior!

Thursday - shopped for upcoming birthdays & Fathers’ day. Claudia bought a Beast Quest book & had read it twice by the end of the day, she wants Trillion the Three Headed Lion next. My mum visited in the afternoon, then we went to the supermarket.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - fairly typical, verbal & non verbal reasoning, spelling, maths, English (FLL & Galore Park), Getty Dubay, read more Beatrix Potter, some poetry (Robert Frost) & lots of Horrible Histories. Finished Tony Robinson’s Kings & Queens which we really enjoyed Jasper was so exhausted after swimming on Monday that he slept for the entire night (!!!), ballet on Wednesday & we went out on Tuesday (Alison?) but I can’t remember where!

Sunday - rehearsals in the morning & after that I have no idea, will have to consult Simon.

Saturday - went to the park, had an ice-cream by the river, fed the ducks. Did some shopping (bought C a new dictionary), then had a barbeque at my parents’ which was lovely. Watched lots of TV, Claudia loved The Supersizers Go (Victorian).

Generally - Playmobil is very popular atm, as is the DS Plenty of historical recreations - Aztec Temple in Lego - etc.

Jasper is so eccentric Words now are duck, quackquack, dog, fish, ark (a retch/shriek which is impossible to replicate) for frog (or any green reptile - alligator, lizard etc), moooo for cow, dada, aaaaahhht for cat. He has a special screwed up nose smile reserved for owls, Dylan, Alison & my mum. Loves books, music & dancing, pouring & sorting. He so brave & friendly & just perfect

I’ve been feeling a bit … uncomfortable? … about blogging HE stuff recently. I’m not sure why but I think it comes back to P1’s disclaimer. I have neither the time nor inclination (or indeed memory) to blog even a fraction of the conversations, activities, learning moments & games that make up the majority of Claudia’s day. It is far easier to blog (list ) the ‘work’ type things we do, but (i) that’s boring & (ii) it may give the impression that I value that learning above self directed play or mooching around reading. If I try to ‘Blog The Day’ I end up with long rambling posts that I can’t summon the energy to finish, which may imply that we don’t value the more formal/directed/challenging learning which certainly isn’t the case either; I don’t do it to placate the LEA or to cover bases so we can do ‘fun stuff’.

So with that in mind, these things are very much enjoyed at the moment - Latin (Minimus), Zoo Tycoon, First Language Lessons (she loves the poetry memorizations & grammar rules), Miquon, art (egg tempera painting) & craft (dolls clothes), her biography book (just added Pasteur & Einstein), ballet (she’s a dragonfly in the Winnie the Pooh show & very excited about it), piano, Scooby Doo magazines, book club book (Six Storey House), she was enjoying Heidi but we’ve got to an emotionally charged bit which upsets her so are giving it a rest, science experiments, riding.

What we’d like to change - more trips (this is really hard with Jasper and the moment), more practical science (ditto, Jasper), reducing the number of activities (before I lose my mind - we’ve stopped Jelly Legs for the time being & aren’t doing ERAPA every week), more riding ( finances preclude this).

We had a really good week & I’m determined to blog it before I forget. Simon is crazy busy at work so hasn’t been around much, the children & I have been extremely productive - I’m finally feeling up to full speed for the first time in ages. We’ve tided the front and back gardens, got rid of loads of rubbish, planted some lovely pansies (and all the narcissi are coming up too ), blitzed the toys & books & rearranged our bedroom. Claudia has begun re-watching The Blue Planet and has a seemingly endless supply of obscure facts. She’s nearly finished her piano book, it has become more difficult over the last couple of lessons but she’s still enjoying it, I haven’t had to nag her to practise Simon & I have been watching The Wire again - if you’re a fan of colourful obscenity it’s a must (’rat fuckers’).

Monday - did the usual maths & English etc & Claudia decided she wanted to try Latin, after much searching I found Minimus and we did the first half of Chapter 1 & she thought it was pretty interesting (at one point you have to introduce yourself with a Latin name which, of course, Claudia already has ), I remembered most of it as well! Claudie read herself the Usborne Beginners Romans and later read a Red Banana book, she’s enjoying reading so much We both did some knitting, Jasper has started dancing which is highly entertaining, & we’ve been encouraging him by listening to loads of music. Had a serious conversation about medical research, C has been thinking of ways to isolate various strains of viruses & wants to write to some real scientists to tell them about it. She want to find a cure for AIDS; I was exactly her age when I decided I was going to be a doctor so who knows They went swimming in the evening, Claudia goes into the changing room on her own now (Si & Jasper use the men’s) & is lightening fast. Jasper was exhausted when they got back and actually slept (!); I’m pretty sure the double cream diet I have him on is working since he is sleeping better & looking chubby again Started reading C Little Plum by Rumer Godden.

Tuesday - was riding, I pretty much dumped C and ran because Jasper had missed his nap and was miserable and very noisy. He fell asleep in the car about 2 minutes after leaving so instead of disturbing him I sat and listened to the Radio 4 afternoon play & knitted. Claudia had a fab time (she rode Socks instead of Monty this time & he kept trying to sniff Violet’s horse’s bum lol) but wants to join the Pony Club now, it’s no surprise me but she’ll be disappointed by insurmountable financial & time constraints She did lots of maths & I realised I’m going to have to get new books soon (I was expecting them to last until Easter but she’s going but faster than that). We were going to do some history (she & Gwenny talked about SOTW apparently which has renewed her interest) but didn’t get around to it I must make more of an effort when we get back from holiday. She’s also decided she wants to do a little project about Van Gogh (we did one on Monet before Christmas & both really enjoyed it) and learn cursive writing (we’re only about 8 pages from the end of Getty-Dubay B). Tried and failed to explain the purpose of the Bank of England to her, managed interest rates but not much more than that.

Wednesday - ballet in the evening, had a nice quite day apart from that. We both read lots - Jasper is an absolute demon with books, I must read ‘Peepo Baby’ (the current obsession) 50 times a day Claudia did some crosswords (she helped Simon’s mum with one when we last visited and has been really interested in them since), some maths (division, fractions & time - stuff she did in Miquon last year so we whizzed through it). We’ve been dipping into First Language Lessons when it suits us, I was dubious at first but C loves the poem memorizations, I’ve been looking for some slightly less twee substitutions though. I’m not sure I want ‘Hearts are like doors …’ embedded in her memory forever. I managed to fall over the Dyson cable & have a huge bruise & graze on my leg, I limped around feeling sorry for myself then bravely finished the laundry

Thursday - piano lesson in the morning - Jasper & I went to the supermarket and bough chocolate filled crepes as a post lesson snack. We still have to decide what to do when K has her maternity leave, I think we’ll have to find another teacher to use temporarily. C did some reading, wrote a book report on The Firweork Maker’s Daughter & Brainpop’d before we walked down to Jelly Legs (in the rain, we saw two beautiful rainbows). Jasper fell asleep on the way down so I sent C in on her own while I watched at the window from the road (I called her to remind her to take her coat & gloves off - see that’s a good enough reason for a 7 year old to have a mobile phone & she’s far better than me at texting already ). Determined not to spend any money, I went to the library with J while we waited; he slept & I read so it was a success all round (apart from when a woman chose to sit opposite me rather than in any of the other 20 empty seats - it isn’t at all English - she had slight look of loon about her, eventually I realised she was one of the librarians on a break. I eavesdropped on her conversation with a colleague about an online carpentry course she was doing!!!). We walked home (in the rain) C was nearly run over by a cyclist (adult, on the pavement, no lights of course, obviously no apology because he’s a cyclist & they can do what the fuck they like), managed to suppress the urge to swear loudly & ram him with the pushchair. Made fish & chips for dinner, Simon was Very Late so I’d started drinking by the time he got home. Jasper ate lots of chocolate & went completely loopy on a sugar high - was hilarious but he didn’t sleep until nearly 11pm ooops.

Friday - overslept & decided not to go to ERAPA, so we went over to visit my mum. Chatted about the news on the way there - flooding I think (many of the fields was pass are flooded at this time of year), flood plains, the housing shortage & consequences of building or not building new homes, roads, amenities, pollution etc then why robots aren’t usually built with human form. Claudia took a book over and watched a programme on CBBC about Lapland, then something about science. Jasper slept for about 50 seconds on the way back (with Claudia tickling his toes so he didn’t fall asleep), that was enough to mean he didn’t nap again. We had a quick turnaround then went over to Alison’s house. Jasper unloaded the dishwasher & rearranged the cupboards, the other children played doctors I think (they play fantastic games - doctors, the Blitz, slaves, hunter-gatherers ). We walked them down to GB/BB - Claudia has mislaid her uniform *roll* - Simon met us there and we went to Lidl on the way home. The CP excitement is already reaching fever pitch & that and very sore gums (more new teeth) fuelled an emotional breakdown from C when we got her home. I tucked her up with a calpol, a hot water bottle & a story & she actually slept well.

Today I haven’t packed, tomorrow I must

I’m feeling so good about HE at the moment, Claudia is happy, engaged, inquisitive, enthusiastic & constantly learning. She’s busy with activities she loves, she’s got a great circle of friends & acquaintances and it all seems to be working how I’d hoped it would six and a half years ago