Debbie Bliss Raglan Sweater, Umbilical Cord Hat from Stitch ‘n’ Bitch & Erika Knight’s Classic Cashmere Booties; all in lovely soft cotton. I love knitting for babies.

Had a really difficult week last week - there’s no real point going over it. I’m angry & sad & was really hurt by being made to feel even more isolated. I feel freakish enough without being banished from polite society.

It was our 10th anniversary on Friday & we went out for dinner - together … alone The Silver Star Unit have agreed to take me (which is a whole ‘nother issue that I won’t go into) I’m seeing the GP on Friday to formalise the referral. We’ve done masses of work on the house in the last couple of weekends, which is good. All caffeine fuelled.

eta: ‘cos it was the point of the post, before I forgot - this is an excellent resource. You know things aren’t quite how they should be when your daughter is pleased that she found the perfect box to be her baby’s coffin.

my triggers - I’m being very strict with myself. Avoiding all conversations regarding disappointment re baby’s sex/hair colour/birth/age gaps etc - do not want Toby’s memory polluted by idiots. Also avoiding women with double buggies & crying newborns, not reading anything baby related on the news. At least I’ve been through it enough times to know exactly how not to make myself worse. Turning into ‘it could’ve been worse’ woman - yup your baby could be DEAD - it’ll pass & I’ve managed not to say it out loud to anyone. Would like to be afforded the same consideration & not have people complaining about their live children/ pregnancies/births to me but there you go.

Cried last night because we didn’t get around to recording his heartbeat. Have noticed I feel v. sad for a couple of hours at about 4:30ish - probably because I’m knackered by then. The ‘foreverness’ of it all is beginning to sink in.

Managed to get registered at new GP - need to make an appointment now.

Went into town yesterday morning - Jasper was very trying, got blisters & a photo album for Toby. Claudia chose some cards to put in with him. She’s doing okay - talking lots & being pragmatic ‘do you think Toby would’ve liked this’ etc - which is good, I can cope with that. Decided she doesn’t want to come to the funeral because she doesn’t want to see him buried (completely agree there).

Alison’s in the afternoon - children were in pool - lovely!

We’re back to the hospital tonight.

Have planned a couple of holidays - that we shouldn’t be able to go on because we should have no money & a newborn by then.

Some knitting friends sent me a lovely email this morning which made me cry & smile.

We’ve had a great weekend (despite various ailments)

As usual I don’t have many pictures of Claudia since we barely saw her. On Saturday Simon & the children went to my niece’s birthday party. I stayed at home - in part to finish their hotpotch-cost nothing- scrap box costumes for Sunday & to attempt to feel better. They had a lovely time - Jasper with the fish & Claudia doing party stuff

Did I say they were hotpotch-cost nothing-scrap box costumes?

Of course Claudia ripped a hole in hers within about 10 minutes & Jasper’s is filthy, but fun was had

Our trip back was more successful than the journey down and, after food & scrubbing, the children slept all night! Claudia is currently on the sofa reading the Usborne Encyclopaedia of World History, I’ve read Jasper a billion books - we have no food & no clean clothes, so I guess I know what I’m doing today.

I’m feeling pretty dire - tired, sick, shaky - here’s another catch-up.

On Monday Claudia was exhausted & a little bit fragile (not too bad but a taste of things to come). She did some maths, spelling, NVR/VR, English & read through a huge pile of Horrible Histories. She spent most of the afternoon on the sofa with books, DS & some films. I managed to get most of the washing done & dried (I’m experimenting with doing it at 30oC to save energy - doesn’t get grass stains out). Forgot there wasn’t any swimming which was a pain, they really could’ve done with letting off some steam & then a good sleep.

Tuesday was horrible, C did some work in the morning but got more and more upset through the day - culminating in a breakdown about being lonely because she had no-one to play with Simon came home a bit early but she’d pretty much lost it by then & was awful all evening. I think it was mostly fatigue , she slept for 14 hours & was fine the next day.

Wednesday - we sewed in the morning (costumes), C looked at costume books & websites & designed some outfits herself Mum visited in the afternoon, I was feeling terrible by this point & C didn’t want to go to ballet so we stayed at home.

Thursday - was good Very productive morning, C wrote a story called ‘Bird Watching and eventually got through maths. I’m really, really pleased with the GP English, C likes it, there’s a good mixture of everything & it isn’t work-booky at all. I’m really impressed with how quickly she’s picked it up, we’re still doing a few FLL every now & then because C enjoys them (no writing ) but the GP is excellent. Claudie played Pharaoh most of the afternoon, she finally got up to Level 5, then ran out of money!

Si left work a bit early because we had to go to Guildford (after a delay because C had taken & lost the bath plug (accidentally)????) - MIL had the children (both loved it) & we went for this:

EDD is Christmas Eve (we’re not telling Claudia yet).

Today was crap, I felt v. ill - my ears hurt - C & J seemed to entertain themselves though (even when I fell asleep on the sofa ). We have a monstrously busy weekend, so I’m off to bed.

Yesterday - The Show (Into The Limelight (!)). It was a hideously busy & complicated day involving multiple trips to & from the theatre. Jasper had a happy time with my parents (after 5 minutes of hysteria & a bit of searching for me) who indulge his duck obsession. Show was wonderfully typical - very loud tap dancing, very cute pre-primary kids, some singing & a couple of hysterically (& unintentionally) funny Ryan-wannabes. Claudia had a fab time (& was probably less knackered than I was), she coped with the chaos & confusion really well & managed to eat, drink, go to the loo & be in the right place at the right time. No pictures though

Saturday - started with a dress rehearsal, then we had to go into town to gather last minute supplies. I dipped strawberries in chocolate & packed various lunch boxes. We went to Gwenny’s birthday barbeque in the evening which was very pleasant & gave Jasper the opportunity to get down with Dylan

Friday - Claudia slept late, I made cakes while she was still in bed. Rushed to get ready for ERAPA & ended up being early, so Claudie went to the park while I stayed in the car with (a sleeping) Jasper. They had a display of bird parts (!), which looked interesting but I don’t think Claudia took any notice - in fact I didn’t see her for the whole afternoon. Jasper is now very involved with what ever is going on, so I spent most of the time chasing after him. GB in the evening & C is now a Junior!

Thursday - shopped for upcoming birthdays & Fathers’ day. Claudia bought a Beast Quest book & had read it twice by the end of the day, she wants Trillion the Three Headed Lion next. My mum visited in the afternoon, then we went to the supermarket.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - fairly typical, verbal & non verbal reasoning, spelling, maths, English (FLL & Galore Park), Getty Dubay, read more Beatrix Potter, some poetry (Robert Frost) & lots of Horrible Histories. Finished Tony Robinson’s Kings & Queens which we really enjoyed Jasper was so exhausted after swimming on Monday that he slept for the entire night (!!!), ballet on Wednesday & we went out on Tuesday (Alison?) but I can’t remember where!

Sunday - rehearsals in the morning & after that I have no idea, will have to consult Simon.

Saturday - went to the park, had an ice-cream by the river, fed the ducks. Did some shopping (bought C a new dictionary), then had a barbeque at my parents’ which was lovely. Watched lots of TV, Claudia loved The Supersizers Go (Victorian).

Generally - Playmobil is very popular atm, as is the DS Plenty of historical recreations - Aztec Temple in Lego - etc.

Jasper is so eccentric Words now are duck, quackquack, dog, fish, ark (a retch/shriek which is impossible to replicate) for frog (or any green reptile - alligator, lizard etc), moooo for cow, dada, aaaaahhht for cat. He has a special screwed up nose smile reserved for owls, Dylan, Alison & my mum. Loves books, music & dancing, pouring & sorting. He so brave & friendly & just perfect

I’ve been feeling a bit … uncomfortable? … about blogging HE stuff recently. I’m not sure why but I think it comes back to P1’s disclaimer. I have neither the time nor inclination (or indeed memory) to blog even a fraction of the conversations, activities, learning moments & games that make up the majority of Claudia’s day. It is far easier to blog (list ) the ‘work’ type things we do, but (i) that’s boring & (ii) it may give the impression that I value that learning above self directed play or mooching around reading. If I try to ‘Blog The Day’ I end up with long rambling posts that I can’t summon the energy to finish, which may imply that we don’t value the more formal/directed/challenging learning which certainly isn’t the case either; I don’t do it to placate the LEA or to cover bases so we can do ‘fun stuff’.

So with that in mind, these things are very much enjoyed at the moment - Latin (Minimus), Zoo Tycoon, First Language Lessons (she loves the poetry memorizations & grammar rules), Miquon, art (egg tempera painting) & craft (dolls clothes), her biography book (just added Pasteur & Einstein), ballet (she’s a dragonfly in the Winnie the Pooh show & very excited about it), piano, Scooby Doo magazines, book club book (Six Storey House), she was enjoying Heidi but we’ve got to an emotionally charged bit which upsets her so are giving it a rest, science experiments, riding.

What we’d like to change - more trips (this is really hard with Jasper and the moment), more practical science (ditto, Jasper), reducing the number of activities (before I lose my mind - we’ve stopped Jelly Legs for the time being & aren’t doing ERAPA every week), more riding ( finances preclude this).

We had a really good week & I’m determined to blog it before I forget. Simon is crazy busy at work so hasn’t been around much, the children & I have been extremely productive - I’m finally feeling up to full speed for the first time in ages. We’ve tided the front and back gardens, got rid of loads of rubbish, planted some lovely pansies (and all the narcissi are coming up too ), blitzed the toys & books & rearranged our bedroom. Claudia has begun re-watching The Blue Planet and has a seemingly endless supply of obscure facts. She’s nearly finished her piano book, it has become more difficult over the last couple of lessons but she’s still enjoying it, I haven’t had to nag her to practise Simon & I have been watching The Wire again - if you’re a fan of colourful obscenity it’s a must (’rat fuckers’).

Monday - did the usual maths & English etc & Claudia decided she wanted to try Latin, after much searching I found Minimus and we did the first half of Chapter 1 & she thought it was pretty interesting (at one point you have to introduce yourself with a Latin name which, of course, Claudia already has ), I remembered most of it as well! Claudie read herself the Usborne Beginners Romans and later read a Red Banana book, she’s enjoying reading so much We both did some knitting, Jasper has started dancing which is highly entertaining, & we’ve been encouraging him by listening to loads of music. Had a serious conversation about medical research, C has been thinking of ways to isolate various strains of viruses & wants to write to some real scientists to tell them about it. She want to find a cure for AIDS; I was exactly her age when I decided I was going to be a doctor so who knows They went swimming in the evening, Claudia goes into the changing room on her own now (Si & Jasper use the men’s) & is lightening fast. Jasper was exhausted when they got back and actually slept (!); I’m pretty sure the double cream diet I have him on is working since he is sleeping better & looking chubby again Started reading C Little Plum by Rumer Godden.

Tuesday - was riding, I pretty much dumped C and ran because Jasper had missed his nap and was miserable and very noisy. He fell asleep in the car about 2 minutes after leaving so instead of disturbing him I sat and listened to the Radio 4 afternoon play & knitted. Claudia had a fab time (she rode Socks instead of Monty this time & he kept trying to sniff Violet’s horse’s bum lol) but wants to join the Pony Club now, it’s no surprise me but she’ll be disappointed by insurmountable financial & time constraints She did lots of maths & I realised I’m going to have to get new books soon (I was expecting them to last until Easter but she’s going but faster than that). We were going to do some history (she & Gwenny talked about SOTW apparently which has renewed her interest) but didn’t get around to it I must make more of an effort when we get back from holiday. She’s also decided she wants to do a little project about Van Gogh (we did one on Monet before Christmas & both really enjoyed it) and learn cursive writing (we’re only about 8 pages from the end of Getty-Dubay B). Tried and failed to explain the purpose of the Bank of England to her, managed interest rates but not much more than that.

Wednesday - ballet in the evening, had a nice quite day apart from that. We both read lots - Jasper is an absolute demon with books, I must read ‘Peepo Baby’ (the current obsession) 50 times a day Claudia did some crosswords (she helped Simon’s mum with one when we last visited and has been really interested in them since), some maths (division, fractions & time - stuff she did in Miquon last year so we whizzed through it). We’ve been dipping into First Language Lessons when it suits us, I was dubious at first but C loves the poem memorizations, I’ve been looking for some slightly less twee substitutions though. I’m not sure I want ‘Hearts are like doors …’ embedded in her memory forever. I managed to fall over the Dyson cable & have a huge bruise & graze on my leg, I limped around feeling sorry for myself then bravely finished the laundry

Thursday - piano lesson in the morning - Jasper & I went to the supermarket and bough chocolate filled crepes as a post lesson snack. We still have to decide what to do when K has her maternity leave, I think we’ll have to find another teacher to use temporarily. C did some reading, wrote a book report on The Firweork Maker’s Daughter & Brainpop’d before we walked down to Jelly Legs (in the rain, we saw two beautiful rainbows). Jasper fell asleep on the way down so I sent C in on her own while I watched at the window from the road (I called her to remind her to take her coat & gloves off - see that’s a good enough reason for a 7 year old to have a mobile phone & she’s far better than me at texting already ). Determined not to spend any money, I went to the library with J while we waited; he slept & I read so it was a success all round (apart from when a woman chose to sit opposite me rather than in any of the other 20 empty seats - it isn’t at all English - she had slight look of loon about her, eventually I realised she was one of the librarians on a break. I eavesdropped on her conversation with a colleague about an online carpentry course she was doing!!!). We walked home (in the rain) C was nearly run over by a cyclist (adult, on the pavement, no lights of course, obviously no apology because he’s a cyclist & they can do what the fuck they like), managed to suppress the urge to swear loudly & ram him with the pushchair. Made fish & chips for dinner, Simon was Very Late so I’d started drinking by the time he got home. Jasper ate lots of chocolate & went completely loopy on a sugar high - was hilarious but he didn’t sleep until nearly 11pm ooops.

Friday - overslept & decided not to go to ERAPA, so we went over to visit my mum. Chatted about the news on the way there - flooding I think (many of the fields was pass are flooded at this time of year), flood plains, the housing shortage & consequences of building or not building new homes, roads, amenities, pollution etc then why robots aren’t usually built with human form. Claudia took a book over and watched a programme on CBBC about Lapland, then something about science. Jasper slept for about 50 seconds on the way back (with Claudia tickling his toes so he didn’t fall asleep), that was enough to mean he didn’t nap again. We had a quick turnaround then went over to Alison’s house. Jasper unloaded the dishwasher & rearranged the cupboards, the other children played doctors I think (they play fantastic games - doctors, the Blitz, slaves, hunter-gatherers ). We walked them down to GB/BB - Claudia has mislaid her uniform *roll* - Simon met us there and we went to Lidl on the way home. The CP excitement is already reaching fever pitch & that and very sore gums (more new teeth) fuelled an emotional breakdown from C when we got her home. I tucked her up with a calpol, a hot water bottle & a story & she actually slept well.

Today I haven’t packed, tomorrow I must

I’m feeling so good about HE at the moment, Claudia is happy, engaged, inquisitive, enthusiastic & constantly learning. She’s busy with activities she loves, she’s got a great circle of friends & acquaintances and it all seems to be working how I’d hoped it would six and a half years ago

I’m having a Bad Day, the children are eating pizza in their den under the table so they are having a Good Day. We could do with a lottery win. If I was drunk I’d be maudlin (why does everything have to be so fucking hard /end whine (yeah if only thinks Simon)), so I’ve done what I always do & cast on something small & cute & made myself a pot of coffee. I’m sure one of the two billion people* I know who are pregnant atm will have a girl.

I forgot to say, Claudia & Simon did some Warhammering over Christmas & C really enjoyed it.

Jasper hasn’t slept & has been following me around with a pile of books - Elmer, Kipper, Spot - and resetting the washing machine and moving logs around (I’ve washed the same load of towels four times so far - open plan houses are not good with toddlers who climb everything). Claudia has been telling me jokes from her book of 1000 Really Funny Jokes.

Jasper was fine with MIL (Simon & I snuck out through the back door so he didn’t see us leave), we’d intended to go and get a coffee & chat like grown ups but needless to say a series of probably predictable events meant we didn’t quite manage it. Still we’ll try again some time soon. Simon took them both swimming on Saturday morning, it was their open day & they got to dance with that cereal-Tiger maskot (is he Nestle? ). We didn’t manage to get any tiling done but did do other stuff (can’t remember what) & picked the tiles.

Claudia has been writing thank you notes (her idea - we’re doing one a day so it isn’t too overwhelming), we went back to Singapore maths yesterday & OMG has the break done her good, it was like dealing with a different person We’re reading The Firework Maker’s Daughter for her book club & both enjoying it. She’s been reading loads & did some crosswords - we did very little formal work during December, now we’ve gone back to it I can see that there’s been some sort of developmental leap/consolidation & things she was having problems with are now much clearer.

I really need to get Jasper out of our bed, I don’t particularly want to wean him but I’m not sure if it’s possible while he’s still feeding 3+ times at night He hates the cot, disturbs Claudie if he’s in with her, doesn’t like a mattress on the floor, I’m thinking of getting a cheap Ikea toddler bed to go next to us but not sure if it’ll be a waste of money. He’s been eating really well since Christmas though & has a little tummy again He gives the most delicious (wet) licky-sucky kisses, high fives & really giggles.

The MFing cat puked everywhere & I failed to cope with cleaning it up (see open plan house/toddler) so chucked the rug away. Felt better.

Oh and this is us.

Counting down the days until we go away.

*just a soupcon if bitterness there. I like predictable.

December was insane, I’m still trying to get my bearings & I’m not quite sure where January came from. We’ve had several birthdays, my mum’s graduation, France & Belgium, a couple of trips into London, New Year party, visiting my family, visiting Simon’s family, ice skating, panto, shopping (too much), baby sitting etc etc. Yesterday was the first day I’ve had at home since all the Christmas craziness began (we were supposed to have piano but I cancelled due to an overwhelming need to be in PJs all day) and we’ve all been ill (first the norovirus thing (oh shit ), then horrible, lingering colds. Jasper has been the least affected but the general disruption resulted a loss of interest in food & he’s now 75g lighter than he was 2 months ago This isn’t something I’ve ever experienced and I feel terrible about it). We consumed quite staggering amounts of alcohol.

Christmas was fun, I was careful about present buying but everyone seemed very happy. Claudia got a phone (yes a phone - read it & weep alphamummies) which is, as expected, the best thing ever! A couple of PC games (Zoo Tycoon which is fab & her own copy of Sims (must give Violet’s back)) and some bits & bobs (riding boots from my parents). Jasper got lots of HappyLand stuff, some Wow! toys - he loves playing - and Usborne Touchy Feely books (he adores these & ‘reads’ them out loud - very cute!). I was very lucky & got the earrings I’ve been lusting after for three years, a pile of knitting books & some stuff for the house. Poor Simon got computer stuff (which hasn’t even come out of the box yet) and my present for him is still with amazon

The kids had a ball, Jasper didn’t destroy a single decoration in all the many houses we’ve visited, but were happy to be home (not for long though as they’re going to my MIL’s tomorrow, C is having a sleep over & J will hopefully manage the afternoon there). We’re going to start work on the kitchen again, Simon is mega buy at work - the release date for the website is perfectly timed for the week he’s out of contact at CentreParcs (which I am so looking forward to) and I’ve already finished my first project of the year;)

We saw 2008 in with lots of fizz & dancing! 2007 was good, I spent it mainly watching the children grow, I’m pretty optimistic for 2008, my only resolution is to spend more time with Si

I’ve edited this harshly because there were just too many words. I prefer note form

Monday
Jasper had yet another terrible night.
Got some washing done - really fed up of nappies.
Claudia played on Gameboy (on the loo, eating, walking downstairs etc) hoping the novelty will wear off soon.
Both had fun in the bath.
Managed to find swimming stuff - must spend an hour a day looking for lost crap.
Kids watched Dogtanian.
C has big thing about Paris since Monet, wants to find out about the ‘non-dog Musketeers’.
Nice maths moment - C wanted to know when are we going out and when I replied “In 40 minutes” she said, completely offhand, “cool just 10 more minutes then only half an hour!”
Waited for the postman (Red Banana books from Amazon), he never came.
Had a lovely lunch with my mum.
Claudia did some paper craft, making birthday cards.

(Jasper’s watching Barbie & the Nutcracker for the second time - I need to intervene)

Spent lots of time in the car - usual interesting conversations (rioting in Paris, capital punishment, the idea of the state, responsibilities & rights, racism, immigration, revolution, morality. Enjoyed her lack of moral ambiguity. Also about the brain, neurons, how we learn, brain lateralisation & injury. Oh & what a gradient is.)

Claudia & Simon went swimming.
Jasper & I stayed at home & cuddled.
Claudia made a convection spiral & told me how it worked (hot air rising, cooling, then falling).

Tuesday
C read ‘Midnight in Memphis’ finished just before the postman arrived with the new books (including the sequel to Midnight in Memphis!) much merriment!
Lots of maths - measuring & some number work; C decides to measure everything in centimetres & inches, the only ruler was can find is my yard stick. More merriment as we measure each other!
Think about going out, but have to wait for delivery.

Read about the digestive system (again) & C made a menu of a healthy meal (again).
Did some origami.
C Gameboys.
C does some Brainpop & wants to know more about the Aztecs (isn’t interested in British Museum Aztec Activity Book).
I read to Jasper (Cock-a-moo-moo!) & Claudia pianos.
Jasper pianos & I read to Claudia (George’s Marvellous Medicine for book club).

(The nicest moment of my day at the moment is taking Jasper for his nap - when I ask him if he wants to go to bed for a cuddle & a feed he runs to me (awww) giggling (awwwwwwww) and puts his arms up for a cuddle (aaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwww). As we go upstairs he pops his head on my shoulder and aaaahhhhhhhs)

Spend afternoon clearing space in the kitchen for the computer & trying to tidy the shelves so we have some hope of finding things.
Si gets home & we stay up late building chairs & computers.

Wednesday
Major trauma with The Haircut (I still feel upset about it).
Claudia spends the whole day on the computer - Brainpop & CBeebies, then decides to have a go at StudyDog (‘It’s easy! It used to be hard but isn’t anymore’) she’s pissed off that they seem to have gone payment only and we haven’t got level 3.
I suggest Big Reading Adventure instead, C soon gets bored.
C spends the next 6 hours on Zoombinis - realises she can work the puzzles out.
Ballet & piano.

Thursday
Piano - had a great lesson, K very pleased with her, C loves it more each time. Will be learning carols next week. We stay & chat, eat chocolate & ooooo at K’s scan pictures. Jasper extra charming.
More Zoombinis when we get home - nearly finished Island Adventure.
Rush out to Jelly Legs - C very pleased to see all her friends (we haven’t been for while). Jasper & I go off to explore town.
Entertain myself by letting Jasper walk around the Oracle, he generates large crowd of admirers, I like being out with a baby
Get home late, cold & tired.
Simon reads at bedtime - not sure what (Maple Hill Farm & the Monet book)

Friday
Really terrible night with Jasper, shaking with tierdness/caffeine.
More Zoombini’s - C finishes Island Adventure
Starts playing Pharoah.
Did some number stuff & lots of piano.
Leave for ERAPA early because we’ve always late at the moment - the traffic is awful again. A is already there & the children play in park for a while.
They have a teacher bloke ( ) coming with masses of K’nex to build robots. I miss most of it trying to keep J in one place - C really enjoyed it (teacher bloke was amusingly teacherish).
GB in the evening - I’m feeling pretty shit but do the supermarket.
Simon reads again (GMM)

Saturday
Really, really bad night with Jasper.
Simon takes C, Buttercup & Jasper down to Teeny’s party - I crawl into ball & don’t get much done.
I realise it is December - quite a shock.

Sunday
More of the same - C reads, computes & Gameboys.
Read more of GMM & a pile of FIAR books.
Jasper actually sleeps.
Simon books tickets to France for next weekend.

Monday again
C wants to do Thinking Blocks, also do some more measuring (area - figured out the concept of square centimetres by herself ) & mental maths.
More reading (Usborne Begginers).
Loads of Pharoah.
Piano.
Some Getty Dubay & NNE (’ph’), a narration (stilll finds them hard), and nouns.
We watched a couple of episodes of House .
J & C played rough & tumble games for ages & J chucked stuf fin the bin & the cat litter tray.
Swimming with Si in the evening (just got back)