I started knitting again when we were doing the IVF cycle, there’s so much sitting around I needed something to distract from the endless waiting, to try to keep the disappointment at bay.

When I was pregnant with Stella I was on & off bed rest, praying so hard that it would be okay - knitting kept me busy. When it became apparent she wasn’t going to survive I knitted like crazy, I have a box full of tiny tear stained socks, hats & teddies. All in silk & cashmere, my way of showing how much I loved her, how precious she was.

It was only towards the end of my pregnancy with Jasper that I started knitting things that might actually get worn by a breathing baby. I daren’t let myself hope before. From then until this March I’ve knitted constantly & I’ve loved it; stitches = love. The rhythm is therapeutic, it helps me breathe when it all really hurts.

I stopped knitting in March. This pregnancy was really hard (too hard) right from the beginning - headaches, vomiting - I was anxious & distracted. After the second scan - when things were just wonderful & we were so happy we laughed - I started planning what to knit, a tiny, newborn BSJ in colourful silk? But I carried on getting sicker and couldn’t start.

Today is the first time I’ve picked up the needles, I got out the baby silk & knitted a burial gown for my darling Toby. I’ll never get to make him anything else.

So that’s the end. I have four children, half of them are dead & I just want to scream. Toby looks so much like Jasper it’s unbelievable. I want him back.

We’ve had a great weekend (despite various ailments)

As usual I don’t have many pictures of Claudia since we barely saw her. On Saturday Simon & the children went to my niece’s birthday party. I stayed at home - in part to finish their hotpotch-cost nothing- scrap box costumes for Sunday & to attempt to feel better. They had a lovely time - Jasper with the fish & Claudia doing party stuff

Did I say they were hotpotch-cost nothing-scrap box costumes?

Of course Claudia ripped a hole in hers within about 10 minutes & Jasper’s is filthy, but fun was had

Our trip back was more successful than the journey down and, after food & scrubbing, the children slept all night! Claudia is currently on the sofa reading the Usborne Encyclopaedia of World History, I’ve read Jasper a billion books - we have no food & no clean clothes, so I guess I know what I’m doing today.

I’m feeling pretty dire - tired, sick, shaky - here’s another catch-up.

On Monday Claudia was exhausted & a little bit fragile (not too bad but a taste of things to come). She did some maths, spelling, NVR/VR, English & read through a huge pile of Horrible Histories. She spent most of the afternoon on the sofa with books, DS & some films. I managed to get most of the washing done & dried (I’m experimenting with doing it at 30oC to save energy - doesn’t get grass stains out). Forgot there wasn’t any swimming which was a pain, they really could’ve done with letting off some steam & then a good sleep.

Tuesday was horrible, C did some work in the morning but got more and more upset through the day - culminating in a breakdown about being lonely because she had no-one to play with Simon came home a bit early but she’d pretty much lost it by then & was awful all evening. I think it was mostly fatigue , she slept for 14 hours & was fine the next day.

Wednesday - we sewed in the morning (costumes), C looked at costume books & websites & designed some outfits herself Mum visited in the afternoon, I was feeling terrible by this point & C didn’t want to go to ballet so we stayed at home.

Thursday - was good Very productive morning, C wrote a story called ‘Bird Watching and eventually got through maths. I’m really, really pleased with the GP English, C likes it, there’s a good mixture of everything & it isn’t work-booky at all. I’m really impressed with how quickly she’s picked it up, we’re still doing a few FLL every now & then because C enjoys them (no writing ) but the GP is excellent. Claudie played Pharaoh most of the afternoon, she finally got up to Level 5, then ran out of money!

Si left work a bit early because we had to go to Guildford (after a delay because C had taken & lost the bath plug (accidentally)????) - MIL had the children (both loved it) & we went for this:

EDD is Christmas Eve (we’re not telling Claudia yet).

Today was crap, I felt v. ill - my ears hurt - C & J seemed to entertain themselves though (even when I fell asleep on the sofa ). We have a monstrously busy weekend, so I’m off to bed.

Yesterday - The Show (Into The Limelight (!)). It was a hideously busy & complicated day involving multiple trips to & from the theatre. Jasper had a happy time with my parents (after 5 minutes of hysteria & a bit of searching for me) who indulge his duck obsession. Show was wonderfully typical - very loud tap dancing, very cute pre-primary kids, some singing & a couple of hysterically (& unintentionally) funny Ryan-wannabes. Claudia had a fab time (& was probably less knackered than I was), she coped with the chaos & confusion really well & managed to eat, drink, go to the loo & be in the right place at the right time. No pictures though

Saturday - started with a dress rehearsal, then we had to go into town to gather last minute supplies. I dipped strawberries in chocolate & packed various lunch boxes. We went to Gwenny’s birthday barbeque in the evening which was very pleasant & gave Jasper the opportunity to get down with Dylan

Friday - Claudia slept late, I made cakes while she was still in bed. Rushed to get ready for ERAPA & ended up being early, so Claudie went to the park while I stayed in the car with (a sleeping) Jasper. They had a display of bird parts (!), which looked interesting but I don’t think Claudia took any notice - in fact I didn’t see her for the whole afternoon. Jasper is now very involved with what ever is going on, so I spent most of the time chasing after him. GB in the evening & C is now a Junior!

Thursday - shopped for upcoming birthdays & Fathers’ day. Claudia bought a Beast Quest book & had read it twice by the end of the day, she wants Trillion the Three Headed Lion next. My mum visited in the afternoon, then we went to the supermarket.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - fairly typical, verbal & non verbal reasoning, spelling, maths, English (FLL & Galore Park), Getty Dubay, read more Beatrix Potter, some poetry (Robert Frost) & lots of Horrible Histories. Finished Tony Robinson’s Kings & Queens which we really enjoyed Jasper was so exhausted after swimming on Monday that he slept for the entire night (!!!), ballet on Wednesday & we went out on Tuesday (Alison?) but I can’t remember where!

Sunday - rehearsals in the morning & after that I have no idea, will have to consult Simon.

Saturday - went to the park, had an ice-cream by the river, fed the ducks. Did some shopping (bought C a new dictionary), then had a barbeque at my parents’ which was lovely. Watched lots of TV, Claudia loved The Supersizers Go (Victorian).

Generally - Playmobil is very popular atm, as is the DS Plenty of historical recreations - Aztec Temple in Lego - etc.

Jasper is so eccentric Words now are duck, quackquack, dog, fish, ark (a retch/shriek which is impossible to replicate) for frog (or any green reptile - alligator, lizard etc), moooo for cow, dada, aaaaahhht for cat. He has a special screwed up nose smile reserved for owls, Dylan, Alison & my mum. Loves books, music & dancing, pouring & sorting. He so brave & friendly & just perfect

Had a great week - I’ll do the pictures & a blog about CP at some point. We spent hours in the pool, Claudia did JumpZone & wall climbing (thanks A she loved it ), we saw Shrek the III & I did some knitting saw Helen & Chris & Jax & Tim which was lovely and Claudia was very pleased to have extra playmates.

We stayed with my brother & SIL at the weekend (his 30th birthday) and had a rather good time - trying to get a good portrait picture with four kids who want to be somewhere else & a Jasper is not easy. This isn’t the best one but I like it

Onwards to the new laundry mountain!

December was insane, I’m still trying to get my bearings & I’m not quite sure where January came from. We’ve had several birthdays, my mum’s graduation, France & Belgium, a couple of trips into London, New Year party, visiting my family, visiting Simon’s family, ice skating, panto, shopping (too much), baby sitting etc etc. Yesterday was the first day I’ve had at home since all the Christmas craziness began (we were supposed to have piano but I cancelled due to an overwhelming need to be in PJs all day) and we’ve all been ill (first the norovirus thing (oh shit ), then horrible, lingering colds. Jasper has been the least affected but the general disruption resulted a loss of interest in food & he’s now 75g lighter than he was 2 months ago This isn’t something I’ve ever experienced and I feel terrible about it). We consumed quite staggering amounts of alcohol.

Christmas was fun, I was careful about present buying but everyone seemed very happy. Claudia got a phone (yes a phone - read it & weep alphamummies) which is, as expected, the best thing ever! A couple of PC games (Zoo Tycoon which is fab & her own copy of Sims (must give Violet’s back)) and some bits & bobs (riding boots from my parents). Jasper got lots of HappyLand stuff, some Wow! toys - he loves playing - and Usborne Touchy Feely books (he adores these & ‘reads’ them out loud - very cute!). I was very lucky & got the earrings I’ve been lusting after for three years, a pile of knitting books & some stuff for the house. Poor Simon got computer stuff (which hasn’t even come out of the box yet) and my present for him is still with amazon

The kids had a ball, Jasper didn’t destroy a single decoration in all the many houses we’ve visited, but were happy to be home (not for long though as they’re going to my MIL’s tomorrow, C is having a sleep over & J will hopefully manage the afternoon there). We’re going to start work on the kitchen again, Simon is mega buy at work - the release date for the website is perfectly timed for the week he’s out of contact at CentreParcs (which I am so looking forward to) and I’ve already finished my first project of the year;)

We saw 2008 in with lots of fizz & dancing! 2007 was good, I spent it mainly watching the children grow, I’m pretty optimistic for 2008, my only resolution is to spend more time with Si

We’re off - merry Christmas everyone! Hope it’s a good one

We went to Bruges, we had moules, we got wet.

I’ve been really ill, but am starting to feel better.

Number One child is seven.

She has a Gameboy & a cheerleader outfit & ‘no words to say how great it is!’

Definitely not another Worst Birthday Ever.

11 months old, it is absolutely the best, most adorable, funny age!

He stands well now, loves to bounce, adores swimming (going under water) and took a few steps while we were away. He continues to be very interested in people (especially other children) & is friendly & smiley, constantly blowing bubbles! He really enjoys toys & has figured out how all our pop-up/push button toys work, he loved watching a man mow the lawn yesterday. He babbles, waves, eats masses (although he doesn’t like avocados anymore) & is turning into anther giant child already out of 12 month clothes! He’s funny, happy & gorgeous. We love him more than ever (even if he does BITE) and have such fun together