Not doing too well on the employment thing. Jasper has decided he’ll eat raisins though, which is good, his diet is so restricted anything new makes me very excited. We have a SALT referral pending (he has a grand total of four words - dog, fish, duck & star), wish he would transfer some of his rather fearsome strength & climbing ability into TALKING.

Simon & Claudia cleared all the junk (huge piles) from the desk this weekend & Si rebuilt her computer, it kind of works now & we’ve agreed she’s going to try & keep the desk clear from now on. The kids went out with my mum, which Jasper particularly enjoyed. We did some shopping & cooking.

Claudie & I stayed in bed late on Saturday morning & I finished reading Kensuke’s Kingdom which was excellent. She did some maths - mainly mental arithmetic, some from 2B & some from this (which she claims is far too easy - I did point out it gets harder ) - and spelling (!) & we lounged about chatting. Simon tried to go out with Jasper who got very upset after 10 minutes of snow so they came home. They’ve done lots of drawing & Hama beads., Claudia spends ages with the Paper Fashion kit.

We restarted the activities. Claudia enjoyed dancing on Wednesday, I’ve been debating dropping it but she’s suddenly enthusiastic again. Swimming went well as did piano.

She’s been in a generally good, happy, cooperative mood all week which has been lovely (especially since Jasper is being a little sod spectacularly two). She’s done sewing (made a little beaded purse) & lots of drawing, maths, history (she decided she wanted to do the mapwork from SOTW 1 - we usually just read), a bit of spelling & even a GP English exercise. She finished Chamber of Secrets & has started Prisoner of Azkaban, though she keeps stopping to read Beast Quest books I think I’m going to read Gobbolino the Witch’s Cat next week.

it was a good week. Finished up everything we wanted to do on Thursday & did more baking, sewing & film watching on Friday. Simon took the children swimming after work - Jasper enjoys it so much & does a good dolphin impression I’m really enjoying the them, Claudia is a joy to be with atm.

Claudia went up with my parents to Oz’s party, we picked her up this afternoon, she had a good time but is v. tired. We (or rather Simon) did sanding & painting & other exciting (not) house-related tasks. I knitted some boxes (odd I know).

I’m feeling shit, the fact that I’m functioning & having happy moments just makes me feel worse the rest of the time. The whole ttc shit is looming over me & I already feel like I want to scream & rend my hair (we’re not even trying). Spent a couple of hours crying on Thursday night, then again on Friday night, then again tonight - see a pattern? God it’s crap.

I’m glad that the summer is now officially over, September is good.

We’ve been doing stuff - lots of stuff. Simon’s pretty good at plastering and he’s built more cupboards & shelves & put cornice up, we’ve nearly emptied the loft. The house is still pretty chaotic but so much better. I’ve been knitting (a lot*), bought some fabulous needles from Hong Kong & am feeling rather pleased with myself. Claudia’s riding a wave of energy & enthusiasm (mania?!) for all things which is fun. Lessons are slowly starting again - her new swimming teacher is great & there’s only five in the class which is a big improvement over last term. Piano is going really well, she loves it - I enjoy seeing her getting so much pleasure from playing. Jasper is two in all ways.

Monday - did maths (subtraction with borrowing) with no difficulty at all, spelling (short & long vowel sounds & adding -ing rules), English, drawing, verbal & non verbal reasoning, piano practice & some sewing (she’s making a little bag). She’s reading a new Beast Quest book & we’re reading Rats of Nimh together. We went to the park at lunch time and Simon took them swimming in the evening.

Tuesday - maths, English (took a long time but no complaining), spelling, handwriting, Latin, piano, reading. I read a few more chapters of Rats of Nimh and we baked a cake for Violet. We had a mad dash out to buy Claudie a new swimsuit when I discovered she’s lost hers. Went to see Alison & everyone in the afternoon, Si took Claudie to her lesson then we stayed for dinner & cake

Wednesday - maths, English (sentences using collective nouns), non verbal & verbal reasoning (she’s starting the 9-10yo papers now & rarely gets any wrong - far better than me ), piano, spelling, reading. We read about Botticelli & looked at pictures where the canvas is round, talked about how to use space, horizon lines & composition, did some drawing with pastels. Ballet doesn’t start until next week & my mum visited in the afternoon so it was nice not having to rush out.

Thursday - piano lesson very early (I was slightly fragile & Japser had to be woken up & fed orange juice & biscuits in the car for breakfast … poor child ), C’s doing subtraction word problems at the moment. We need to go out later to get Oz a birthday present. Had a lovely cuddle with K’s baby - she’s teeny, was nice, I like babies Felt a bit sad when we got home though. Made up silly sentances in Latin on the way home.

We have an appointment next Tuesday to discuss Toby’s post mortem results, my mum referred me to the Silver Star Unit in the end (have no idea what to do abut the GP - I don’t trust them at all which is worrying) & they phoned to arrange an appointment the following day (very impressive). We’ve been up to the cemetery a few times, Toby’s still the only baby there - which is GOOD obviously but it feels very strange seeing his little marker all on its own. We need to do the wording for his plaque but I can’t do it at the moment, it is too final. I’ve been having lots of weird dreams that I need to dig him up because I’ve forgotten something important.

*I have six projects on the go at the moment (jacket, jumper, bag, two lace projects & a blanket) - far too much

1 - I don’t think the mw weighed him properly, everyone expected him to be bigger & he certainly felt heavier than 60g.
2 - I’m sad they didn’t get footprints. I keep meeting people who’ve had prints from much smaller babies.
3 - I’m worried he wasn’t really dead & we killed him by inducing labour. He was in much better condition than he should’ve been given that hed been dead for between 2 & 5 days. This one really keeps me awake.
4 - my knees hurt (especially the left one).

These are terrible photos - child in perpetual motion - but look how big he’s getting

Claudia is having a fabulous time - trips to Frankie & Benny’s and blackberry picking.

I’m trying to clear my knitting stash before I embark on Mystery Stole 4.

Got out of the house (by lunch time it would’ve been earlier considering I’m awake at first light but I had another bath plug incident) and went to monopolise Alison. It’s the most I’ve spoken to anyone for weeks & it completely exhausted me (company was lovely though). I didn’t want to go home when we left & Jasper fell asleep within about 30 seconds, so we went for a walk. I bought a trashy novel, a couple of pairs of shorts for Jasper & some bubble mixture. Had a quiet weep in the shop toilets then came home.

Conceiving Toby made me feel completely normal, I am determined to hold onto that.

They want to know whether we want the service in the chapel or at the graveside. I’m anticipating finding it hard to watch a tiny white box being put in the ground.

I am glad we’re doing it - he was real & here - having nothing to show for such an important event in your life is really hard. With Estella I had a placental abruption in the end & was bleeding very heavily by the time we got to A&E. I was whisked straight into theatre for an ERPC/manual removal & then spent hours & hours in recovery because I’d lost so much blood. We had her blessed by the chaplain then cremated, but didn’t see her or have a service. I don’t regret it because it was the best we could do for her, but that & having only two crappy pictures despite all the bloody scans makes it feel slightly imaginary.

Mornings are horrible (this morning especially since I self medicated with wine & cake last night see funeral). The evenings are horrible & I just cry, but in the morning I have to wake up & remember I feel shit. Dreamt I was having a unassisted home birth of a breech baby last night - read into that what you will.

We’re trying to arrange the funeral - since neither of us know what’s suppose to happen it isn’t that easy. Can’t think of any music that isn’t dreadfully twee or irritating so I don’t think they’ll be music. Have some poems though - Dirge Without Music (’cos frankly we’re all pissed off with the whole death thing), Sweet & Low (Tennyson) & Nothing Gold Can Stay. We want to take Toby to the cemetery ourselves.

Claudia is fragile - it’s much worse that last time, far less abstract (she has a baby brother & identifies very strongly Toby with Jasper, which I guess we all do) - she wrote a little letter to go with him yesterday and cried a lot. My mum has taken her to Legoland today, which is great & she’ll have a lovely time, but I’m missing her. She wants to go to the funeral but is scared - we want to keep it small so she’s not overwhelmed if she decides to come.

Thank you all for offering to come - it means so much, he really was a lovely baby - I’m a mess at the moment though so it’s just going to be us & our parents.

Jasper likes it when I call him piglet - he makes an incredibly cute snorting-snuffle noise and giggles. He’s had a fairly disastrous haircut (ended up being short back & sides once we’d cut all the dreds out) - no curls anymore, I’ve cried frequently about it.

Today is really hard. I went with Si to take Claudia riding, really should’ve stayed in bed but I can’t stand being on my own (not looking foward to next week). We drove past the scan place & it brought it all back, the last time we went riding was the last time I felt like everything was all okay.

They didn’t take any swabs while I was in hospital - infection (including bacterial vaginosis) is an important cause of second trimester loss. I’ve had so many antibiotics they’d be negative now even if I did have something before. Trying to decide whether to get the GP to refer me to St Mary’s, last I heard the wait was 6 months.

Organised some more of Toby’s pictures - trying to decide which ones to get for the children.

Wish I was feeling angry - at least I’d have some energy - I’m so bloody sad & lonely & confused. I keep asking the same things over & over because I can’t concentrate & don’t listen properly to the answers.

I was happy that this was the last time I’d have to do it - now I don’t know if I can be brave again.

Had an exhausting & emotional day.

Went back to see Toby - cried for ages but felt better being with him. He looked okay after PM - got him dressed & wrapped up which was great because I could hold him without worrying about damaging him. More pictures. Gave him his teddies and lots of kisses.

Sorted out his certificates & tags with the mw. Asked about the ERPC - I’m covered in bruises, turns out I did bleed a lot & they gave me ergometrine & well as synto. Checked hb (fine) - feeling very tired & wobbly - mw pointed out I had recently given birth & had GA. Trying to be normal for kids but need to slow down before Si goes back to work next week or I won’t manage.

Talked about funeral - we’ve decided on communal baby grave but a private service just for Toby. Will talk to chaplain next week to arrange the date. Also saw PALS to get notes from the delivery.

After we left the hospital we went to see the cemetery - baby section is lovely but very sad, cried a lot more.

Went to Guildford to pick up kids - Si has taken them both to GB awards evening. I feel like collapsing. This is really hard I’m not at all ready to say goodbye.

< -------------------------------------------> is just the beginning of how tired I am. I went to bed when the kids did last night - hence the failure to ‘blog June’. Anyhoo yesterday …

Work (maths, English, spelling, GD, lots more Beatrix Potter, some FLL), went to the park with A etc and had an awkward moment with the window cleaner. Claudia read a book about grammar in bed.

Today - Jasper had a new rash. Claudia spent the morning ‘decorating’ the kitchen with string creations. Went to ERAPA (via Lidl - J ate a huge bowl of Nougart Pillows (they are fortified *roll*)) got there very early so sat in the car with J while he napped & C went to the park with a bunch of other HE kids. They had people from MindLabs today and …. umm … well … it was free. Got home & chucked kids in bath, Claudia did some maths & now they’re in the garden.

I’ve repopulated my Amazon wish list.

See that was easy.