1 - I don’t think the mw weighed him properly, everyone expected him to be bigger & he certainly felt heavier than 60g.
2 - I’m sad they didn’t get footprints. I keep meeting people who’ve had prints from much smaller babies.
3 - I’m worried he wasn’t really dead & we killed him by inducing labour. He was in much better condition than he should’ve been given that hed been dead for between 2 & 5 days. This one really keeps me awake.
4 - my knees hurt (especially the left one).

These are terrible photos - child in perpetual motion - but look how big he’s getting

Claudia is having a fabulous time - trips to Frankie & Benny’s and blackberry picking.

I’m trying to clear my knitting stash before I embark on Mystery Stole 4.

Got out of the house (by lunch time it would’ve been earlier considering I’m awake at first light but I had another bath plug incident) and went to monopolise Alison. It’s the most I’ve spoken to anyone for weeks & it completely exhausted me (company was lovely though). I didn’t want to go home when we left & Jasper fell asleep within about 30 seconds, so we went for a walk. I bought a trashy novel, a couple of pairs of shorts for Jasper & some bubble mixture. Had a quiet weep in the shop toilets then came home.

Conceiving Toby made me feel completely normal, I am determined to hold onto that.

They want to know whether we want the service in the chapel or at the graveside. I’m anticipating finding it hard to watch a tiny white box being put in the ground.

I am glad we’re doing it - he was real & here - having nothing to show for such an important event in your life is really hard. With Estella I had a placental abruption in the end & was bleeding very heavily by the time we got to A&E. I was whisked straight into theatre for an ERPC/manual removal & then spent hours & hours in recovery because I’d lost so much blood. We had her blessed by the chaplain then cremated, but didn’t see her or have a service. I don’t regret it because it was the best we could do for her, but that & having only two crappy pictures despite all the bloody scans makes it feel slightly imaginary.

Mornings are horrible (this morning especially since I self medicated with wine & cake last night see funeral). The evenings are horrible & I just cry, but in the morning I have to wake up & remember I feel shit. Dreamt I was having a unassisted home birth of a breech baby last night - read into that what you will.

We’re trying to arrange the funeral - since neither of us know what’s suppose to happen it isn’t that easy. Can’t think of any music that isn’t dreadfully twee or irritating so I don’t think they’ll be music. Have some poems though - Dirge Without Music (’cos frankly we’re all pissed off with the whole death thing), Sweet & Low (Tennyson) & Nothing Gold Can Stay. We want to take Toby to the cemetery ourselves.

Claudia is fragile - it’s much worse that last time, far less abstract (she has a baby brother & identifies very strongly Toby with Jasper, which I guess we all do) - she wrote a little letter to go with him yesterday and cried a lot. My mum has taken her to Legoland today, which is great & she’ll have a lovely time, but I’m missing her. She wants to go to the funeral but is scared - we want to keep it small so she’s not overwhelmed if she decides to come.

Thank you all for offering to come - it means so much, he really was a lovely baby - I’m a mess at the moment though so it’s just going to be us & our parents.

Jasper likes it when I call him piglet - he makes an incredibly cute snorting-snuffle noise and giggles. He’s had a fairly disastrous haircut (ended up being short back & sides once we’d cut all the dreds out) - no curls anymore, I’ve cried frequently about it.

Today is really hard. I went with Si to take Claudia riding, really should’ve stayed in bed but I can’t stand being on my own (not looking foward to next week). We drove past the scan place & it brought it all back, the last time we went riding was the last time I felt like everything was all okay.

They didn’t take any swabs while I was in hospital - infection (including bacterial vaginosis) is an important cause of second trimester loss. I’ve had so many antibiotics they’d be negative now even if I did have something before. Trying to decide whether to get the GP to refer me to St Mary’s, last I heard the wait was 6 months.

Organised some more of Toby’s pictures - trying to decide which ones to get for the children.

Wish I was feeling angry - at least I’d have some energy - I’m so bloody sad & lonely & confused. I keep asking the same things over & over because I can’t concentrate & don’t listen properly to the answers.

I was happy that this was the last time I’d have to do it - now I don’t know if I can be brave again.

Had an exhausting & emotional day.

Went back to see Toby - cried for ages but felt better being with him. He looked okay after PM - got him dressed & wrapped up which was great because I could hold him without worrying about damaging him. More pictures. Gave him his teddies and lots of kisses.

Sorted out his certificates & tags with the mw. Asked about the ERPC - I’m covered in bruises, turns out I did bleed a lot & they gave me ergometrine & well as synto. Checked hb (fine) - feeling very tired & wobbly - mw pointed out I had recently given birth & had GA. Trying to be normal for kids but need to slow down before Si goes back to work next week or I won’t manage.

Talked about funeral - we’ve decided on communal baby grave but a private service just for Toby. Will talk to chaplain next week to arrange the date. Also saw PALS to get notes from the delivery.

After we left the hospital we went to see the cemetery - baby section is lovely but very sad, cried a lot more.

Went to Guildford to pick up kids - Si has taken them both to GB awards evening. I feel like collapsing. This is really hard I’m not at all ready to say goodbye.

< -------------------------------------------> is just the beginning of how tired I am. I went to bed when the kids did last night - hence the failure to ‘blog June’. Anyhoo yesterday …

Work (maths, English, spelling, GD, lots more Beatrix Potter, some FLL), went to the park with A etc and had an awkward moment with the window cleaner. Claudia read a book about grammar in bed.

Today - Jasper had a new rash. Claudia spent the morning ‘decorating’ the kitchen with string creations. Went to ERAPA (via Lidl - J ate a huge bowl of Nougart Pillows (they are fortified *roll*)) got there very early so sat in the car with J while he napped & C went to the park with a bunch of other HE kids. They had people from MindLabs today and …. umm … well … it was free. Got home & chucked kids in bath, Claudia did some maths & now they’re in the garden.

I’ve repopulated my Amazon wish list.

See that was easy.

Jasper had another bad night - not sure why, he has a temperature which comes & goes & is really clingy etc - may just be teeth but he isn’t right & I hate it when they’re ill.

Wednesday is Hair Day which is usually hellish but today it was less than a 3 on the awfulness scale (bonus). Claudia was in a cooperative mood which was just wonderful. She read in bed this morning & got up refreshed rather than evil

Whizzed through Junior English (writing’s getting faster!), spelling, Getty-Dubay & Maths, then Claudia read a pile of Beatrix Potter while I made lunch, hung washing out (sun!) etc. Jasper poured water from one receptacle to another.

Managed to get Jasper to take a nap & while he was asleep C & I did half an hour of First Language Lessons then played Sims on the computer until it was time for ballet.

At some point I lay in bed with Jasper & listened to the Archers.

I went to bed when Simon got home - the children are now asleep & I’m going to drink hot chocolate & count minutes until Jasper wakes up. There’s trainset & farm everywhere.

I need to get Claudia a decent dictionary.

Jasper didn’t sleep well, I didn’t sleep at all, weather was horrid & washing wasn’t drying.

They watched Star Wars (how sick am I of bloody Star Wars). Claudia drew space stations & made the Jedi Temple out of Lego, then recreated Jabba’s lair with Playmobil. She played Pokemon & Jasper moped around being hot & miserable.

Claudie did some more Junior English, a Verbal Reasoning & NVR paper (she loves these, there was a new type of question today that she understood straight away, she’s far quicker than me with NVR), more maths, then we read a few of Beatrix Potter stories & did some spelling.

She’s curled up on the sofa reading Spy Dog now, and Jasper is finally asleep. I don’t feel like doing anything.

I’ve only just dragged everyone out of bed. Jasper had a terrible night (teeth ) & our genius neighbour (25 going on 14) thinks banging on the wall helps ill babies sleep - the man has issues. Claudia has been playing Pokemon for about three hours & Jasper’s watching his perennial favourite, Barbie & the Nutcracker.

(later )

So, we’ve eaten cakes & I’ve made dauphinoise & cooked a humungous salmon for dinner, done more washing & managed to find most of the swimming stuff. Claudie & I planted some annuals to try & fill in gaps in the garden.

Read to Jasper (lots) and he’s mainly played with the Aquadraw & little animals today. He had a 2 hour nap with is unusual, he’s been grumpy & subdued.

Claudia did maths (numbers to 1000 totally straight foward, I’m trying to encourage her to speed up), Getty-Dubay (finally started cursive), spelling (ditched Explode the Code, it just seems like busy work to me), read limericks & some Dick King-Smith and we started Junior English from Galore Park, did exercise 1.1 which was a comprhension exercise & some dictionary work - lots of writing (for C anyway). Seems good so far.

They’re both swimming now, I really hope Jasper sleeps tonight.

I’m intending to do some Flickring - I like these ones, a year apart on Simon’s birthday (Bath & Newgale).