two and a half weeks later, referral still not sent. Not quite sure which part of her job she actually does.

Pretty much everyone we saw with Toby was good - few things would’ve been better if done differently but I’m certainly not traumatised.

Not the fucking-lazy-bitch-GP though. Because we had the scan on a Saturday we had to go through the local out of hours GP service to get a referral to delivery suite for a scan to confirm he’d died, a plan for induction & all the associated investigations/procedures. When we rang them the GP said ‘oh dear you’ll have to be brave & give birth at home’ when I said I was 17 weeks pregnant her response was ‘I know’. WTF??? She only even agreed to call delivery suite to check if she should do anything different after I completely lost it with her. She had the DS mw on conference call so I heard her (mw) being totally appalled that she hadn’t already referred me in, the obstetrician I saw as horrified that she suggested I just stayed at home.

Really, give birth at home - no pain relief (declined the epidural because I knew I’d need a GA later but the morphine was nice), none of the billions of blood tests I had, risk infection & fucking DIC because who knows how long it would have taken to actually happen. We wouldn’t have got to see or hold Toby because he’s have been in a terrible condition, no PM. What would we have done with his body … he was a bit big to flush down the toilet. What about the haemorrhaging & ERPC? I don’t have ergometrine & synto in the fridge at home. What would I done with Claudie & Jasper .. hang on kids I just have to pop up stairs to labour for a few hours, give birth to your dead sibling & possibly bleed to death … could you ‘phone the ambulance please darling?

She’s a fucking evil lazy bitch & I will find a way to make sure that she knows it.

We were planning to book a holiday just after Christmas (when prices go down) - I am dreading Christmas quite honestly & though it would be good to have something to look forward to.

I’m troubled by the jinx though - every time we plan anything something bad happens - camping in August/September - car explodes - baby plans/purchases - baby dies - book a holiday - Simon gets made redundant????

It’s stupid but I feel cursed. I might never leave the house again.

Cried more yesterday than I have for weeks. Claudia really wants to go to school, I can’t believe we’ve got into more debt, can’t let go of the image of Toby & Jasper together. Feel quite strongly that I can’t cope with another pregnancy. Feel crap physically - my body has been so abused for the last 5 years (the list of drugs & procedures I’ve had is insanely long, not to mention the self medicating) - thought of ttc again fills me with gut-wrenching horror.

Pitiful whine … I just want to be normal … I just want to do normal things. I don’t want drama and trauma, I just want to be normal. If Toby hadn’t died I would’ve been normal - baby conceived the normal way, pregnancy without shit loads of drugs, children without a huge age gap. I feel so fucking conspicuous & freakish. I might have been able to do normal mother things - whinge about pregnancy & birth & all that shit - without feeling that there’s a barrier between me & the rest of the world. I don’t fit in anywhere, everything is put through a filter that normal people don’t have - things don’t sound or look or feel or mean the same to me as they do to everyone else. All my wonderful FFs are either childless & I wouldn’t, in a billion years, expect them to listen to any of my angst or cycling again which we will definitely, 100%, never, ever, ever do again. I can’t be around pregnancy or birth or young babies (or even hopeful people) without wanting to throw myself under a car so I guess I really shouldn’t leave the house.

1 - I don’t think the mw weighed him properly, everyone expected him to be bigger & he certainly felt heavier than 60g.
2 - I’m sad they didn’t get footprints. I keep meeting people who’ve had prints from much smaller babies.
3 - I’m worried he wasn’t really dead & we killed him by inducing labour. He was in much better condition than he should’ve been given that hed been dead for between 2 & 5 days. This one really keeps me awake.
4 - my knees hurt (especially the left one).

not.

Felt really crap today.

Everyone else is asleep.

Lost it a bit when Simon (& Jasper) were peripherally involved in an accident on the A329 last night - mum came over to calm me down. Still I’m not phoning NHS direct every day & am continuing to allowing Claudia to leave the house - so I’m doing pretty well.

Claudia decided yesterday she wanted to go and stay with MIL for ‘four days’, so she is! I really need some time not being cheerful, I’m so tired it’s all unreal. Settled solidly in numb with brief flashes of sad.

Have a new plan - to be referred to the Silver Star Unit in Oxford. I think I meet their criteria with

“High blood pressure in pregnancy”
“Previous stillborn babies”*
“Recurrent miscarriages or other early pregnancy losses.”
“Previous severe bleeding (placental abruption)”
“Previous early labour”**
“Any other unusually complicated or stressful previous pregnancy.”

This bit sounds good though

We run:
* A pre-pregnancy clinic where advice about another pregnancy can be given and appropriate care planned.
* A recurrent miscarriage clinic, usually limited to women who have suffered at least three early pregnancy losses.
* An early pregnancy clinic, where women who suffer recurrent miscarriages can be guided through the early weeks of their next pregnancy.
* The Silver Star clinic, where full antenatal care is given at a very high level to those who need it.

I need to see if I can get referred without going via GP (unlikely).

* well Toby was ‘just’ a late miscarriage …
** 35+6 weeks is technically preterm

I knitted a hat!

Couvercle from knitty - even involved a little bit of crochet - left out the brim though. In Rowan All Seasons Cotton.

What I’m finding hard is that we made plans - it seemed like the sensible thing to do once we got past 14 weeks. We thought about the car & bedrooms & paternity leave. I let myself think about Next Year … Claudia’s birthday, Christmas, holidays, next time at Newgale, next May etc. Now it all feels a bit hollow. I can’t imagine getting the car because there’d be a gap, it would never be right.

I think I was lulled by Jasper, I wasn’t vigilant enough.

Still, I’m practising serenity - children are great, Simon & I are strong, great friends, wonderful family. But there’s the Toby sized gap & not knowing What Next.

It was lovely apparently, from what little I remember all about letting go & finding a way to move on. Simon feels not better but relieved, Toby’s now okay, he won’t be disturbed, we can visit when we want to. I feel worse - I don’t want him in the ground, I want to keep him with me, I don’t want him on his own. When I woke up his morning I didn’t have the ‘OMG he’s really dead’ dread but ‘he’s not here anymore’ instead. I completely understand parents who run off with their dead children’s bodies.

We took him to the cemetery - Claudia wanted to carry him so she held the coffin all the way, it was great having the three of them together. She decided it was okay that he was tiny because we could fit a tiny carseat between her & Jasper; if he wasn’t dead of course. She wants to know why he couldn’t have been very small but alive. She’s having intrusive thoughts about him waking up & wants to know how to stop them.

I’ve ordered a couple of books about helping children with grief & ‘Trying Again …’ because I needed to make the free postage up but right now it is inconceivable to risk this happening again. I don’t like making decisions based on fear (sickening terror?) but this is about life. Even if you ignore the early losses I’ve got a 50% success rate for babies who make it into the second trimester. Is it immoral to contemplate creating a life that is as likely to die as live? I still feel completely fucked up about our poor little embryos.

Does a 16/17 week old fetus have enough neurological function to suffer as it dies? If Toby was ill did he feel it? If it was the placenta again I guess he’d get hypoxic & his cells would slowly stop functioning - he wouldn’t have had the horrible gasp reflex because he didn’t breathe. What if it was an infection? If there was some kind of chromosomal or genetic problem did his body just stop? The last time I heard his hb it was 20bmp slower than usual - I assumed it was just because he was getting bigger, it was still in the normal range - was he dying then?

Decided not to buy clothes from a company which describes it’s boys’ range thus

While their girls’ clothes are inspired by

They are “ethical” though … all organic & cut for cloth & overpriced *roll*

Have written my letter to the consultant midwife outlining exactly what I want as far as antenatal care goes (i.e. to see her & my consultant of choice only), and explaining (resisted ranting but did include ’spectacularly poor management’ & ‘insensitive’) why I’m not registered with a GP & am not willing to have them involved at any point.

I’m feeling stressed about it already (it was great with J because mum did all my antenatal care - well better than great, fabulous ). I hate going through my obstetric history (G8P2 now), I hate being touched by people, I know my BP will be high. I get upset by them treating me like an idiot & tired of being assertive. I’m not uncooperative nor am I unsafe - I’ll decline unnecessary tests - serum screening (we always decline), HIV/hep B/rubella (I’ve been screened a billion times in the last 8 years - nothing has changed), GTT (unless I start peeing sugar), weighing - I’ll save them money I’m happy to have anti-D & antibody levels done, anomaly scan, I’ll pee on as many sticks as they want & submit to PET bloods because my BP will be astronomical (my record for C’s pregnancy was 190/120 - impressive huh) & I know that they can’t take my word for it that it is just white coat. I’ll even take my vile ferrous sulphate like a good patient.

It might be okay … mum says the mw is very nice .. she works with the lovely trauma & bereavement obstetrician … her job spec is dealing with difficult women (wasn’t how they put it) - elective sections by maternal request & HBACs against medical advice kind of stuff.

Was only sick once today (mint viscount - my own fault), children have been delightful as well

I was fairly rubbish at blogging June, I really should just admit defeat.

This one is mostly about vomit.

Last week was hard, I spent a reasonable amount of time being sick in various places (ERAPA, Tesco, garage …) Thursday was particularly awful & I felt more ill over the weekend. I ended up sending Claudia to MIL’s on Sunday night, Simon picked her up yesterday. She had a lovely time while J and I didn’t do much. Was very sick on Monday but not so bad yesterday - I managed to cook & eat dinner & felt okay afterwards. I’ve already got reflux (puking isn’t helping) so am not sleeping well. Feel horrible today (Simon put the bread maker on this morning & the smell makes me want to poke my eyes out ?!?), had cereal for breakfast (no other choice) & milk is vile. It is just miserable.

And the headaches are starting - which is worse copious amounts of paracetamol or a cup of coffee?

Jasper has started screeching to attract my attention & has learnt to unscrew the milk carton lid (and pour milk all over the kitchen). I have no energy or enthusiasm for anything - Claudia is reading constantly but that’s really it.

I’m 15 weeks now - baby is active, HR is between 155-165, still haven’t booked.