Simon & Claudia cleared all the junk (huge piles) from the desk this weekend & Si rebuilt her computer, it kind of works now & we’ve agreed she’s going to try & keep the desk clear from now on. The kids went out with my mum, which Jasper particularly enjoyed. We did some shopping & cooking.

Claudie & I stayed in bed late on Saturday morning & I finished reading Kensuke’s Kingdom which was excellent. She did some maths - mainly mental arithmetic, some from 2B & some from this (which she claims is far too easy - I did point out it gets harder ) - and spelling (!) & we lounged about chatting. Simon tried to go out with Jasper who got very upset after 10 minutes of snow so they came home. They’ve done lots of drawing & Hama beads., Claudia spends ages with the Paper Fashion kit.

We restarted the activities. Claudia enjoyed dancing on Wednesday, I’ve been debating dropping it but she’s suddenly enthusiastic again. Swimming went well as did piano.

She’s been in a generally good, happy, cooperative mood all week which has been lovely (especially since Jasper is being a little sod spectacularly two). She’s done sewing (made a little beaded purse) & lots of drawing, maths, history (she decided she wanted to do the mapwork from SOTW 1 - we usually just read), a bit of spelling & even a GP English exercise. She finished Chamber of Secrets & has started Prisoner of Azkaban, though she keeps stopping to read Beast Quest books I think I’m going to read Gobbolino the Witch’s Cat next week.

Reasources we use regularly (& like!)

Language arts:
GP Junior English
Collins Focus On Spelling (Book 1), Word Work (Book 2)
Getty Dubay Italic (C)
C reads pretty much constantly.

Maths:
Singapore Primary 2B (argh, we will finish it!)
Schofield & Sims Problem Solving Books

Bond Verbal Reasoning (2nd Papers)
Bond Non Verbal reasoning (3rd Papers)

Latin, Minimus
History , SOTW & whatever interests C wants to follow
Science, reading, BrainPop & occasional science kits

Art & music, stuff that happens when it happens, C wants to do more drawing.

Activities:
Monday - swimming with Jasper
Tuesday - Claudia swimming lesson & riding
Wednesday - dancing
Thursday - piano lesson
Friday - ERAPA/Krazy Klub, Girls’ Brigade.

No more activities.

We’ve all been ill at some point or other, Jasper particularly - it wasn’t a restful holiday in any way at all - Simon & I are quite exhausted. I had a few really bad days leading up to it. I’d put off Christmas shopping until the last minute & it was as upsetting as I’d expected. The day after Boxing Day was hard mostly because I was so tired & New Year’s Eve was awful. I cancelled our plans because J was still ill & I was just so miserable, in the end my mum persuaded us to visit them, the children had a ball, Simon drank cocktails & we made it home early.

I’m scared most of the time, Jasper doesn’t sleep well, I don’t feel healthy. I’m drained. Moan … moan … we’re still okay, the children are happy & gorgeous I’m going through the motions. Limbo land.

In 2009 I would like Simon to remain employed, Jasper to learn to talk & Claudia … she can stay the same but I’d really like to be more patient with her. Minimal expectations are better.

HE is great, it’s been a long time since I’ve really thought that but it is & we’ve really happy. We’ve settled into a grove & Claudia is expressing clear preferences about what, when and how she does things. I’m un-nesting & the house is getting more ordered all the time - I spent last week doing all the children’s books & this week the kitchen cupboards. I’m entering the Play Doh years with Jasper He loves his puzzles & pattern blocks, still dances a lot, when he’s happy he lights up with glee & runs over for a big sloppy kiss. He sat on the worktop & helped me cook yesterday. His climbing is more terrifying than even Claudia’s was. He says ‘no’ a lot and has drawn on every flat surface in the house … we love him so much.

We had our following up appointment last week - no answers, as expected, Toby was completely normal, all my results were completely normal. If we do it again we’re doing the full medicated steroid + heparin + aspirin thing, consultant was very supportive. Who knows though … we’re going up to Oxford in a couple of weeks.

We’re between pretty much okay & great - Claudia gets sad, we all do, but that’s okay.

Adios!

Claudia went up with my parents to Oz’s party, we picked her up this afternoon, she had a good time but is v. tired. We (or rather Simon) did sanding & painting & other exciting (not) house-related tasks. I knitted some boxes (odd I know).

I’m feeling shit, the fact that I’m functioning & having happy moments just makes me feel worse the rest of the time. The whole ttc shit is looming over me & I already feel like I want to scream & rend my hair (we’re not even trying). Spent a couple of hours crying on Thursday night, then again on Friday night, then again tonight - see a pattern? God it’s crap.

We’ve been doing stuff - lots of stuff. Simon’s pretty good at plastering and he’s built more cupboards & shelves & put cornice up, we’ve nearly emptied the loft. The house is still pretty chaotic but so much better. I’ve been knitting (a lot*), bought some fabulous needles from Hong Kong & am feeling rather pleased with myself. Claudia’s riding a wave of energy & enthusiasm (mania?!) for all things which is fun. Lessons are slowly starting again - her new swimming teacher is great & there’s only five in the class which is a big improvement over last term. Piano is going really well, she loves it - I enjoy seeing her getting so much pleasure from playing. Jasper is two in all ways.

Monday - did maths (subtraction with borrowing) with no difficulty at all, spelling (short & long vowel sounds & adding -ing rules), English, drawing, verbal & non verbal reasoning, piano practice & some sewing (she’s making a little bag). She’s reading a new Beast Quest book & we’re reading Rats of Nimh together. We went to the park at lunch time and Simon took them swimming in the evening.

Tuesday - maths, English (took a long time but no complaining), spelling, handwriting, Latin, piano, reading. I read a few more chapters of Rats of Nimh and we baked a cake for Violet. We had a mad dash out to buy Claudie a new swimsuit when I discovered she’s lost hers. Went to see Alison & everyone in the afternoon, Si took Claudie to her lesson then we stayed for dinner & cake

Wednesday - maths, English (sentences using collective nouns), non verbal & verbal reasoning (she’s starting the 9-10yo papers now & rarely gets any wrong - far better than me ), piano, spelling, reading. We read about Botticelli & looked at pictures where the canvas is round, talked about how to use space, horizon lines & composition, did some drawing with pastels. Ballet doesn’t start until next week & my mum visited in the afternoon so it was nice not having to rush out.

Thursday - piano lesson very early (I was slightly fragile & Japser had to be woken up & fed orange juice & biscuits in the car for breakfast … poor child ), C’s doing subtraction word problems at the moment. We need to go out later to get Oz a birthday present. Had a lovely cuddle with K’s baby - she’s teeny, was nice, I like babies Felt a bit sad when we got home though. Made up silly sentances in Latin on the way home.

We have an appointment next Tuesday to discuss Toby’s post mortem results, my mum referred me to the Silver Star Unit in the end (have no idea what to do abut the GP - I don’t trust them at all which is worrying) & they phoned to arrange an appointment the following day (very impressive). We’ve been up to the cemetery a few times, Toby’s still the only baby there - which is GOOD obviously but it feels very strange seeing his little marker all on its own. We need to do the wording for his plaque but I can’t do it at the moment, it is too final. I’ve been having lots of weird dreams that I need to dig him up because I’ve forgotten something important.

*I have six projects on the go at the moment (jacket, jumper, bag, two lace projects & a blanket) - far too much

Not the fucking-lazy-bitch-GP though. Because we had the scan on a Saturday we had to go through the local out of hours GP service to get a referral to delivery suite for a scan to confirm he’d died, a plan for induction & all the associated investigations/procedures. When we rang them the GP said ‘oh dear you’ll have to be brave & give birth at home’ when I said I was 17 weeks pregnant her response was ‘I know’. WTF??? She only even agreed to call delivery suite to check if she should do anything different after I completely lost it with her. She had the DS mw on conference call so I heard her (mw) being totally appalled that she hadn’t already referred me in, the obstetrician I saw as horrified that she suggested I just stayed at home.

Really, give birth at home - no pain relief (declined the epidural because I knew I’d need a GA later but the morphine was nice), none of the billions of blood tests I had, risk infection & fucking DIC because who knows how long it would have taken to actually happen. We wouldn’t have got to see or hold Toby because he’s have been in a terrible condition, no PM. What would we have done with his body … he was a bit big to flush down the toilet. What about the haemorrhaging & ERPC? I don’t have ergometrine & synto in the fridge at home. What would I done with Claudie & Jasper .. hang on kids I just have to pop up stairs to labour for a few hours, give birth to your dead sibling & possibly bleed to death … could you ‘phone the ambulance please darling?

She’s a fucking evil lazy bitch & I will find a way to make sure that she knows it.

I’m troubled by the jinx though - every time we plan anything something bad happens - camping in August/September - car explodes - baby plans/purchases - baby dies - book a holiday - Simon gets made redundant????

It’s stupid but I feel cursed. I might never leave the house again.

Cried more yesterday than I have for weeks. Claudia really wants to go to school, I can’t believe we’ve got into more debt, can’t let go of the image of Toby & Jasper together. Feel quite strongly that I can’t cope with another pregnancy. Feel crap physically - my body has been so abused for the last 5 years (the list of drugs & procedures I’ve had is insanely long, not to mention the self medicating) - thought of ttc again fills me with gut-wrenching horror.

Pitiful whine … I just want to be normal … I just want to do normal things. I don’t want drama and trauma, I just want to be normal. If Toby hadn’t died I would’ve been normal - baby conceived the normal way, pregnancy without shit loads of drugs, children without a huge age gap. I feel so fucking conspicuous & freakish. I might have been able to do normal mother things - whinge about pregnancy & birth & all that shit - without feeling that there’s a barrier between me & the rest of the world. I don’t fit in anywhere, everything is put through a filter that normal people don’t have - things don’t sound or look or feel or mean the same to me as they do to everyone else. All my wonderful FFs are either childless & I wouldn’t, in a billion years, expect them to listen to any of my angst or cycling again which we will definitely, 100%, never, ever, ever do again. I can’t be around pregnancy or birth or young babies (or even hopeful people) without wanting to throw myself under a car so I guess I really shouldn’t leave the house.